Bring Your Own Syringes - Draft Recap

The first annual jackass list fantasy baseball league recently wrapped up its draft. Here's a quick recap and some background on the collection of nerds, drunks and patient, money-grubbing deviants that make up the league managers.

Your name/Team name: Brettallica, Team Name: Haven’t settled yet. Time of draft: Gay Rod’s Naiveté. Now: Passion of the Griff
Favorite baseball team:
Oakland Athletics
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Ryan Doumit in round 10 if for no other reason than he has the best profile picture in all of yahoo sports. Francisco Cordero in round 15 isn’t bad.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Brian Roberts in round five.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Find random amounts of money, but of course! That way when I hit the reds, I can spend the time waiting at the light counting my money in my Ferrari.
Which team do you think will finish first?
Greg or Robin
Which team do you think will finish last?
Mine, without question.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Don’t attend the draft and don’t make roster moves throughout the season. That’s my latest strategy. It’s easy, but doesn’t work well if you like winning.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Superhuman strength. I could then bust up the bank vault doors and take more than 10 million dollars...and no one could stop me.

Your name/Team name: Chris/The Green Monster
Favorite baseball team: Boston Red Sox
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Dustin Pedroia
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Troy Glaus (Ed: I think he means Ben Sheets, who he dropped for Troy Glaus, who was then dropped for some other random shitty player.)
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money
Which team do you think will finish first?
Mine
Which team do you think will finish last?
No clue Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Figuring out as I go along (Ed: It's his first time. How sad.)
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
I'll take the superhuman strength...could leverage that for more than $10 million in one boxing match

Your name/Team name: Mehlia’s Choke Job (if you don’t know what that is I recommend 18 and Nasty 12)
Favorite baseball team: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
I was thrilled that Rollins fell to me at pick 17.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
I think I reached for Liriano.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money, I’m pretty patient.
Which team do you think will finish first?
I’ll pick myself which will doom me to last.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Homer Sexuals, because fuck you that’s why. (Ed: We both know how this will end.)
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I set up tiers for each position and tried to draft by value. I also wanted some high risk high upside guys in the mid rounds like Nelson Cruz, Wieters and Lopez.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Current salary and superhuman strength. Lots of people have 10 million dollars but no one can pick up a train.

Your name/Team name: Greg/Fart Bukake
Favorite baseball team: San Francisco Giants
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Chris Carpenter, 205th overall (21st round). He's looked good in Spring and more importantly, he looks healthy. If I get at least 130 IP, the pick will have been totally worth it.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Jacoby Ellsbury, 55th overall (6th round). I know that Green Monster was on Red Sox autodraft, but I've seen Ellsbury go this high before (probably to other Sawks homers) and he's just not that good. I'd rather have Rios, McLouth, Hart, or Ordonez, who all went after Ellsbury.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
$
Which team do you think will finish first?
Fart Bukake. That team is amazing and the owner is so goddamn handsome.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Green Monster has the worst roster, but Gay Rod's Naivete never sets his lineup... flip a coin.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league:
I'm going to try to set my lineup every day. Beyond that, I'm going to try to win more categories than my opponents every week.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Fabulous muscles.

Your name/Team name: Don/Red China
Favorite baseball team: Gigantes de San Francisco
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Lincecum (round 2, #1). Any time you can land our lord and savior at #11, you got to feel pretty good about it.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Lindstrom (round 20, #1). Between basketball and the kid, I hadn't realized that Thome was was still out there. I would rather have 30 HRs in the 20th round than a questionable RP
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
andom amounts of money, of course. The more i walked, the more new places i would visit, no?
Which team do you think will finish first?
Probably Robin because God hates me
Which team do you think will finish last?
Probably Jacobson, he always sucks in the leagues with this group
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Stay vigilant and be ready to pounce when someone does something stupid and makes a bad drop. It ALWAYS happens with this group and i am very often the lucky recipient - Devin Harris, anyone?
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
You mean i would GET to wear diapers? Look how happy my kid is.

Your name/Team name: Greg / Two Burrells One Cup (formerly A-Roid's All-Stars)
Favorite baseball team: Giants
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Jermaine Dye in 10th rd
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Willie Taveras - only good for steals
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
random amounts of money
Which team do you think will finish first?
Homer Sexuals
Which team do you think will finish last?
Two Burrells One Cup
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
get lucky
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
superhuman strength

Your name/Team name: Nick/Living a Lie

Favorite baseball team: SF Giants

Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Pablo Sandoval... that guy is gonna be huge. (Ed: Literally. Here's hoping he doesn't eat himself into a full time gig at 1B)
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Hanley Ramirez... Not because of his skills. I just that the first pick.

Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Money, Money, Money..... MONEY!!! (Ed: We get it.)

Which team do you think will finish first?
Mine
Which team do you think will finish last?
One of the auto drafters

Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I'm going to try to get the most point in each category every week. Doing so should put me in the playoffs where I shall domintate with my post season skills.

Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
F the diapers man.... With super human strength I could hit ball after ball into McCovey Cove!!!


Your name/Team name: Robin/ognihs/Homer Sexuals
Favorite baseball team: Giants, Astros
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Mets sandwich - Johan Santana/Carlos Beltran near the end of the 2nd and start of 3rd rounds .
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
All my middle infielders. I took too many safe pitchers.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money, since I live in a small town.
Which team do you think will finish first?
Fart Bukake or Red China. A few breaks could mean a dominating season.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Passion of the Griff (Brett). He's the guy who can never play a league all the way though.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I set up tiers for each position and tried to draft by value. I also wanted some high risk high upside guys in the mid rounds like Nelson Cruz, Wieters and Lopez.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Current salary/superhuman strength. I'd have 10M in no time.

Sac2theBay_Bombers and Flamin' Hem'Roids weren't literate enough to answer, ensuring that they'll be invited in to every future league we run.

Only a week til the season starts. Good luck with your teams and enjoy the upcoming season.

You're Doing It... Right?

Table tennis is super gay but if all the celebrations are like this, I'll start paying attention. I'd absolutely watch this guy lose to some Asian kid in the Olympics. Until then... keep ignoring the scoreboard.

Flashback Friday

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Metallica - One



This was the first music video to give me nightmares. I remember thinking listening to this song and thinking how hard it fucking rocked - the ridiculous double bass runs, the melodic and blistering solos, caveman vocals... then my whole world got wrecked when I saw the video. It was like watching an accident. I didn't want to see that shit, but I couldn't look away. I had absolutely no interest in tracking down the original movie that was used in this video (and still don't) and won't bother to provide that information. My issues are gonna be your issues too, biotch! I wish I could ask them what the whole point of making one of the most depressing videos ever was.

Proof that it's a small world: Just before Metallica's black album came out and they became the biggest band in the world, Kirk Hammett hit up my in-laws restaurant for world's greatest sushi. unfortunately my wife (who works there part time) was too young to work there or she would have been there to have a brush with fame. Apparently there was a waitress who was of age and was a fan, who lucked out instead. No word on whehter or not she was a starfucker, since my wife went to bed and I don't really give a shit.

Embarassing Song That You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters



This song fucking sucks. That's all I have to say about that. Tune in next week when we go 80's pop on that ass.

Granny Shot Invitational - Playoffs Begin

The Granny Shot Invitational playoffs have begun and so far, only 3 of the 4 qualifying teams give a crap. Injury Prone (formerly tobdawgs) has rolled over and played dead, allowing Kamaniacs a free pass into the next round. La Verdad, has pulled close to Skeleton Crew but still has some work to do. Skeleton Crew held on to the last playoff spot and is looking to pull off a big upset, since his team sucked donkey balls all season long.

San Diego Slackers and MUTUMBO FINGERBANG (my team) earned first round byes, but I'm already fucked since my players are being shut down one by one. Good luck, clowns!

Worst. Dad. Ever.

All-Star exaggerator and boxing trainer Freddie Roach, brought out the big guns in this interview about his boy Manny Pacquiao. According to Roach, Manny's career started at the tender age of 12. You see, he grew up on the mean streets of The Philippines after running away from home - because his dad ate his dog.

Let that marinate for a minute.

Mr. Pacquiao elevated the child abuse game to a whole new level with that move. Thanks to the internet, I've heard of horrible beatings and incest and all kinds of fucked up things people do to their kids. This is the first time I've ever heard of someone cooking up a pet. No word on whether or not Manny found this out before or after eating.

Better Late Than Never

Amare Stoudemire, in a move that would have been better made 6 months ago, has decided to wear goggles to prolong his NBA career. I'm sure that Steve Kerr is thrilled he waited until after this past trade deadline to address his career-threatening eye injury.

"I'm wearing goggles from here on out. It's funny I talked to my trainer when I was about to put those Oakley goggles down. I said, 'What are the odds of me getting poked in the eye again if I didn't wear these goggles?' "

Just a hunch but I'd say pretty fucking good, since you're an NBA player. It happens all the time!

Other surprises from the article include: Stoudemire has three kids (say whaaaaaat?) and the writer's interesting use of (or lack of) punctuation.

Fall Down Go Boom

Not to hype this up too much, but it's easily the best worst dunk of all time. Wyoming center Adam Wadell apparently got so excited about his breakaway dunk opportunity that he forgets to let go of the rim. Bonus points for being a Chris Kaman look-alike.

A-Rod Has A New Girlfriend

"Whatever bald guy. This is totally NOT gay."

It's A-Rod!

The crew at 3:10 to Joba have had these for a while and I recently stumbled across (read: conducted a half-assed search) the rest of the photos. It's not technically crime, but I think eye rape should be prosecuted as a crime against humanity and tried in the court of public opinion. Fucking christ, this guy is weird. He probably can't wait to retire and follow his dream of being a backup dancer for Madonna.

The Link Dump

Manny Ramirez is having a great spring training. Just kidding - he's day-to-day after injuring his hamstring a few innings into his first game.

Former WWF wrassler "Test" was found dead at 33, just a few days before his 34th birthday.

Donte Stallworth is the latest former Tennessee Volunteer to be involved in a serious car crash.

NBA nobody Marko Jaric has been accused of sexual assult. This is AFTER he married Victoria's Secret supermodel Adriana Lima. (probably NSFW)

The Packers are going to re-retire number 4, but not in '09. Makes sense to me.

This Is Mildly Impressive

Australian man jumps from a helicopter and rides a marlin in the ocean. You read that right. Now watch as man dominates nature, again.



Awesome stunt aside, how stupid are fish? Can they really not see or hear the helicopter right above them, the boat on the side of them or the guy with a video camera in their grill? It's almost like this marlin was just asking to be jumped on and ridden around. Substitute "marlin" for "plaintiff" and you'll have my foolproof defense strategy (because every judge agrees, all women are whores!)