jackass list

Don't Call It A Comeback

2011-05-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

OK, Call it a comeback... stuff coming soon.

Bring Your Own Syringes - Draft Recap

2009-03-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

The first annual jackass list fantasy baseball league recently wrapped up its draft. Here's a quick recap and some background on the collection of nerds, drunks and patient, money-grubbing deviants that make up the league managers.

Your name/Team name: Brettallica, Team Name: Haven’t settled yet. Time of draft: Gay Rod’s Naiveté. Now: Passion of the Griff
Favorite baseball team:
Oakland Athletics
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Ryan Doumit in round 10 if for no other reason than he has the best profile picture in all of yahoo sports. Francisco Cordero in round 15 isn’t bad.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Brian Roberts in round five.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Find random amounts of money, but of course! That way when I hit the reds, I can spend the time waiting at the light counting my money in my Ferrari.
Which team do you think will finish first?
Greg or Robin
Which team do you think will finish last?
Mine, without question.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Don’t attend the draft and don’t make roster moves throughout the season. That’s my latest strategy. It’s easy, but doesn’t work well if you like winning.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Superhuman strength. I could then bust up the bank vault doors and take more than 10 million dollars...and no one could stop me.

Your name/Team name: Chris/The Green Monster
Favorite baseball team: Boston Red Sox
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Dustin Pedroia
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Troy Glaus (Ed: I think he means Ben Sheets, who he dropped for Troy Glaus, who was then dropped for some other random shitty player.)
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money
Which team do you think will finish first?
Mine
Which team do you think will finish last?
No clue Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Figuring out as I go along (Ed: It's his first time. How sad.)
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
I'll take the superhuman strength...could leverage that for more than $10 million in one boxing match

Your name/Team name: Mehlia’s Choke Job (if you don’t know what that is I recommend 18 and Nasty 12)
Favorite baseball team: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
I was thrilled that Rollins fell to me at pick 17.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
I think I reached for Liriano.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money, I’m pretty patient.
Which team do you think will finish first?
I’ll pick myself which will doom me to last.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Homer Sexuals, because fuck you that’s why. (Ed: We both know how this will end.)
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I set up tiers for each position and tried to draft by value. I also wanted some high risk high upside guys in the mid rounds like Nelson Cruz, Wieters and Lopez.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Current salary and superhuman strength. Lots of people have 10 million dollars but no one can pick up a train.

Your name/Team name: Greg/Fart Bukake
Favorite baseball team: San Francisco Giants
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Chris Carpenter, 205th overall (21st round). He's looked good in Spring and more importantly, he looks healthy. If I get at least 130 IP, the pick will have been totally worth it.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Jacoby Ellsbury, 55th overall (6th round). I know that Green Monster was on Red Sox autodraft, but I've seen Ellsbury go this high before (probably to other Sawks homers) and he's just not that good. I'd rather have Rios, McLouth, Hart, or Ordonez, who all went after Ellsbury.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
$
Which team do you think will finish first?
Fart Bukake. That team is amazing and the owner is so goddamn handsome.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Green Monster has the worst roster, but Gay Rod's Naivete never sets his lineup... flip a coin.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league:
I'm going to try to set my lineup every day. Beyond that, I'm going to try to win more categories than my opponents every week.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Fabulous muscles.

Your name/Team name: Don/Red China
Favorite baseball team: Gigantes de San Francisco
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Lincecum (round 2, #1). Any time you can land our lord and savior at #11, you got to feel pretty good about it.
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Lindstrom (round 20, #1). Between basketball and the kid, I hadn't realized that Thome was was still out there. I would rather have 30 HRs in the 20th round than a questionable RP
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
andom amounts of money, of course. The more i walked, the more new places i would visit, no?
Which team do you think will finish first?
Probably Robin because God hates me
Which team do you think will finish last?
Probably Jacobson, he always sucks in the leagues with this group
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
Stay vigilant and be ready to pounce when someone does something stupid and makes a bad drop. It ALWAYS happens with this group and i am very often the lucky recipient - Devin Harris, anyone?
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
You mean i would GET to wear diapers? Look how happy my kid is.

Your name/Team name: Greg / Two Burrells One Cup (formerly A-Roid's All-Stars)
Favorite baseball team: Giants
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Jermaine Dye in 10th rd
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Willie Taveras - only good for steals
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
random amounts of money
Which team do you think will finish first?
Homer Sexuals
Which team do you think will finish last?
Two Burrells One Cup
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
get lucky
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
superhuman strength

Your name/Team name: Nick/Living a Lie

Favorite baseball team: SF Giants

Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Pablo Sandoval... that guy is gonna be huge. (Ed: Literally. Here's hoping he doesn't eat himself into a full time gig at 1B)
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
Hanley Ramirez... Not because of his skills. I just that the first pick.

Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Money, Money, Money..... MONEY!!! (Ed: We get it.)

Which team do you think will finish first?
Mine
Which team do you think will finish last?
One of the auto drafters

Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I'm going to try to get the most point in each category every week. Doing so should put me in the playoffs where I shall domintate with my post season skills.

Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
F the diapers man.... With super human strength I could hit ball after ball into McCovey Cove!!!

Your name/Team name: Robin/ognihs/Homer Sexuals
Favorite baseball team: Giants, Astros
Which player was your favorite pick of the draft?
Mets sandwich - Johan Santana/Carlos Beltran near the end of the 2nd and start of 3rd rounds .
Which player was your least favorite pick of the draft?
All my middle infielders. I took too many safe pitchers.
Which would you rather have: hit every green light for the rest of your life or to find random amounts of money every time you visited a new place?
Random amounts of money, since I live in a small town.
Which team do you think will finish first?
Fart Bukake or Red China. A few breaks could mean a dominating season.
Which team do you think will finish last?
Passion of the Griff (Brett). He's the guy who can never play a league all the way though.
Describe your strategy (if you have one) on how to win the league.
I set up tiers for each position and tried to draft by value. I also wanted some high risk high upside guys in the mid rounds like Nelson Cruz, Wieters and Lopez.
Would you rather have a lump sum of 10 million tax free dollars but have to wear diapers at all times or your current salary and superhuman strength?
Current salary/superhuman strength. I'd have 10M in no time.

Sac2theBay_Bombers and Flamin' Hem'Roids weren't literate enough to answer, ensuring that they'll be invited in to every future league we run.

Only a week til the season starts. Good luck with your teams and enjoy the upcoming season.

You're Doing It... Right?

2009-03-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Table tennis is super gay but if all the celebrations are like this, I'll start paying attention. I'd absolutely watch this guy lose to some Asian kid in the Olympics. Until then... keep ignoring the scoreboard.

Flashback Friday

2009-03-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Metallica - One

This was the first music video to give me nightmares. I remember thinking listening to this song and thinking how hard it fucking rocked - the ridiculous double bass runs, the melodic and blistering solos, caveman vocals... then my whole world got wrecked when I saw the video. It was like watching an accident. I didn't want to see that shit, but I couldn't look away. I had absolutely no interest in tracking down the original movie that was used in this video (and still don't) and won't bother to provide that information. My issues are gonna be your issues too, biotch! I wish I could ask them what the whole point of making one of the most depressing videos ever was.

Proof that it's a small world: Just before Metallica's black album came out and they became the biggest band in the world, Kirk Hammett hit up my in-laws restaurant for world's greatest sushi. unfortunately my wife (who works there part time) was too young to work there or she would have been there to have a brush with fame. Apparently there was a waitress who was of age and was a fan, who lucked out instead. No word on whehter or not she was a starfucker, since my wife went to bed and I don't really give a shit.

Embarassing Song That You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

This song fucking sucks. That's all I have to say about that. Tune in next week when we go 80's pop on that ass.

Granny Shot Invitational - Playoffs Begin

2009-03-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

The Granny Shot Invitational playoffs have begun and so far, only 3 of the 4 qualifying teams give a crap. Injury Prone (formerly tobdawgs) has rolled over and played dead, allowing Kamaniacs a free pass into the next round. La Verdad, has pulled close to Skeleton Crew but still has some work to do. Skeleton Crew held on to the last playoff spot and is looking to pull off a big upset, since his team sucked donkey balls all season long.

San Diego Slackers and MUTUMBO FINGERBANG (my team) earned first round byes, but I'm already fucked since my players are being shut down one by one. Good luck, clowns!

Worst. Dad. Ever.

2009-03-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

All-Star exaggerator and boxing trainer Freddie Roach, brought out the big guns in this interview about his boy Manny Pacquiao. According to Roach, Manny's career started at the tender age of 12. You see, he grew up on the mean streets of The Philippines after running away from home - because his dad ate his dog.

Let that marinate for a minute.

Mr. Pacquiao elevated the child abuse game to a whole new level with that move. Thanks to the internet, I've heard of horrible beatings and incest and all kinds of fucked up things people do to their kids. This is the first time I've ever heard of someone cooking up a pet. No word on whether or not Manny found this out before or after eating.

Better Late Than Never

2009-03-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Amare Stoudemire, in a move that would have been better made 6 months ago, has decided to wear goggles to prolong his NBA career. I'm sure that Steve Kerr is thrilled he waited until after this past trade deadline to address his career-threatening eye injury.

"I'm wearing goggles from here on out. It's funny I talked to my trainer when I was about to put those Oakley goggles down. I said, 'What are the odds of me getting poked in the eye again if I didn't wear these goggles?' "

Just a hunch but I'd say pretty fucking good, since you're an NBA player. It happens all the time!

Other surprises from the article include: Stoudemire has three kids (say whaaaaaat?) and the writer's interesting use of (or lack of) punctuation.

Fall Down Go Boom

2009-03-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Not to hype this up too much, but it's easily the best worst dunk of all time. Wyoming center Adam Wadell apparently got so excited about his breakaway dunk opportunity that he forgets to let go of the rim. Bonus points for being a Chris Kaman look-alike.

A-Rod Has A New Girlfriend

2009-03-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

"Whatever bald guy. This is totally NOT gay."

It's A-Rod!

The crew at 3:10 to Joba have had these for a while and I recently stumbled across (read: conducted a half-assed search) the rest of the photos. It's not technically crime, but I think eye rape should be prosecuted as a crime against humanity and tried in the court of public opinion. Fucking christ, this guy is weird. He probably can't wait to retire and follow his dream of being a backup dancer for Madonna.

The Link Dump

2009-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez is having a great spring training. Just kidding - he's day-to-day after injuring his hamstring a few innings into his first game.

Former WWF wrassler "Test" was found dead at 33, just a few days before his 34th birthday.

Donte Stallworth is the latest former Tennessee Volunteer to be involved in a serious car crash.

NBA nobody Marko Jaric has been accused of sexual assult. This is AFTER he married Victoria's Secret supermodel Adriana Lima. (probably NSFW)

The Packers are going to re-retire number 4, but not in '09. Makes sense to me.

This Is Mildly Impressive

2009-03-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Australian man jumps from a helicopter and rides a marlin in the ocean. You read that right. Now watch as man dominates nature, again.

Awesome stunt aside, how stupid are fish? Can they really not see or hear the helicopter right above them, the boat on the side of them or the guy with a video camera in their grill? It's almost like this marlin was just asking to be jumped on and ridden around. Substitute "marlin" for "plaintiff" and you'll have my foolproof defense strategy (because every judge agrees, all women are whores!)

Flashback Friday - West Coast Bias

2009-03-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Song That Will Have You Shake What Your Mama Gave You:
Del Tha Funkee Homosapien - Mistadobalina

Ice Cube's cousin (and rumored ghostwriter) knew how to put it down back in the day. While fronting Hieroglyphics, Del built up a pretty strong following. What killed me is that he always rapped about disliking white people while refusing to recognize that they were the majority of his fan base. That shit always rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, you can make some funky tracks but there's no need to act like you're some militant black guy. You have a fucking ring in your nose, hippie. Lighten up.

Song That Would You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Terrence Trent D'Arby - Wishing Well

Terrence Trent D'Arby must have had pictures of someone doing some bad shit. That's the only way I can explain how this asshole got a record deal. Either that or his dad started Arby's. Even if that's not the case, both those assclowns should be fustigated on site. I mean, Milli Vanilli was wack but at least you could dance to them. This dude is probably cool to hipsters who think it's ironic, the same way drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is somehow ironic.

God... so many people need to get fucked, I can't even keep them all straight. ARGH!

DO NOT WANT

2009-03-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

I don't want to talk about this. I had two paragraphs down and was like "to hell with this." If you would consider getting one of these, I already hate you. Just pee outside, like a regular person.

The Buffalo Bills Hate The Buffalo Bills

2009-03-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'll try not to get anyone pregnant

Already understanding that they have no shot at making the playoffs, the Buffalo Bills signed team killer Terrell Owens to a 1 year deal. 1 year at 6.5 million isn't too bad since it's not a huge risk for the Bills: no one's expecting them to do anything so signing an old productive guy to take pressure off Lee Evans isn't the worst thing in the world... except that it's Terrell fucking Owens.

He might be an asshole, but I have to respect the level of assholishness we're seeing here. This guy has single-handedly destroyed three NFL teams. That's no easy task, considering there are 52 other guys on the roster. Bills fans might not be too thrilled about the team's prospects, given that they run a conservative offense and T.O. will cry about limited touches. The upside is that he'll out any gay quarterbacks on the roster, or cry if anyone criticizes them.

[photo from WROC-TV]

The Link Dump

2009-03-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

Mark Cuban is a master motivator.

Remember that minor leaguer who was traded for maple bats? He died 6 months later from a drug overdose, brought on by severe depression. No word on why we're just now hearing about it.

PARAPLEGIC HOCKEY BRAWL!

The Dallas Cowboys released Roy Williams, now leaving them with only one Roy Williams.

Flashback Friday

2009-02-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Queens Of The Stone Age - Go With The Flow

This band and song fucking rock. This video makes the song even better. Not only do they take Apple's Ipod commercial idea and make it a billion times better by driving into a vagina around 1:20. Your move, Apple. Queens Of The Stone Age is not exactly a band name that would get you pumped up, but do yourself a favor and check out all of their albums if you haven't already. You can also dig up the Kyuss stuff (Josh Homme's old band) and Eagles Of Death Metal (his side project) if you've got time to kill.

Song You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Mercyful Fate - Egypt

This song is not so much embarrassing for being crappy as much as it is embarrassing because you'll probably have to explain why you're listening to a screeching man. I'm sure his family is proud. There's no way his kids ever have their friends over because of all the sacrificing to Satan and whatever the fuck else goes on in that house.

Let's get one thing clear: King Diamond sucks so much that he's fucking awesome. I don't know how else to explain it. It's like Flavor Of Love (which in turn, is like a train crash with naked people), in that it's so terrible that you can't help but be intrigued by it. The magnitude of suck is so powerful that it flips the whole universe inside out and turns awesome. Osiris and Anubis agree, falsettos and face paint work if you really do your best to sell the gimmick.

The Link Dump

2009-02-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Faniq's great piece on the ugliest jerseys of all time. Bonus to make Boston fans wretch - the New York Celtics jerseys.

Emmitt Smith's employferation at ESPN has finally come to an end

Bonus Boston fan wretching - David Ortiz linked to A-Rod's "trainer."

One Harlem Globetrotter does his best impression of a real NBA player.

This Looks About Right

2009-02-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

I could post some commentary on Obama's "We Will Recover" speech, or how the Dodgers are bidding against themselves for Manny Ramirez but I'd rather show this fucktard get crushed doing his terrible Travis Pastrana impression.

If this was internet video school, this would get an A+. Perfect length, no bullshit. Just the accident and a slo-mo squashing. Look closely and you just might see him crap himself. It's hard to tell since the bike flattens him so quickly. I wish there was a follow up video showing him flattened Tom & Jerry style.

I Warned You About These Guys

2009-02-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

From the upcoming Slayer documentary which I will not be watching

You might remember that I profiled a subset of maniacs known as Slayer fans a while back. Well, Slayer did me one better and actually filmed one of these nutjobs stumbling his way through, what appears to be, an interview. I follow the Golden Rule and like Slayer as much as the next guy but I'm 100% positive that I could never be friends with this guy, much less ask him his thoughts on anything. Now that his 15 minutes are almost up, he's probably gone back to selling roofies in the parking lot or standing in police lineups for beer money.

Flashback Friday: Shitty Commercials

2009-02-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

"Trix Are For Kids"

Jesus I fucking hate these commercials. Growing up and watching the rabbit constantly denied by random groups of assholes was pretty frustrating. There's no reason for kids to be so uptight about sharing sugary cereal. Let's face it, Trix tasted like shit. Fruit Loops can kick its ass all day. But even if I liked this crap - when a talking cartoon rabbit asks you for some, you hook him up. He's on the fucking box! It's like telling Michael Phelps he can't have any Frosted Flakes.

Kellogg's decision to drop the greatest swimmer of all time is another mind-boggler. Don't they realize that stoners make up at least 70% of their customers? I don't have any facts to back that up, but I feel pretty strongly about it, which is pretty much the same thing.

News Flash: Women Lie

2009-02-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

In other news: Trees are wood.

Recently, every fucking news outlet put out the ridiculous story of a woman swimming 2100 miles in 25 days. The fact that no man can do this was the first thing that sent my bullshit detector to "critical." Even Michael Phelps, when not getting stoned, couldn't pull this off.

Nevermind that fact that she's 56 years old. Seriously, don't think about it. Picturing a 50-something in freezing cold water is a bad idea. A few days later, the truth came out. She didn't swim the entire distance, she only swam a small part of it and was perfectly ok with taking credit for swimming the whole fucking thing.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that women will take credit for anything that you allow them to, good idea or not. Swimming across the Atlantic sounds pretty fucking stupid to me, sort of like driving a tractor on the highway, using only my feet, while blindfolded. Just because you can do something (or simply take credit for it) doesn't make it a good idea.

Bring Your Own Syringes

2009-02-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

The jackass list fantasy baseball league is ready to go! If you're interested in joining up, it's league 43674, password 1234. It'll be a 7x7, H2H, live online draft just before the first week of the season. Time and categories are always up for discussion. As usual, there will be recaps whenever I get around to it.

Please don't all try to sign up at once.

This Is Not Helping

2009-02-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

Possibly NSFW

Salma Hayek recently said she's addicted to breastfeeding and went all the way to Africa to reinforce that point. Some people might have a problem with this. I can think of at least one African baby who doesn't.

To be honest, I'm not sure if she's a complete idiot or some kind of sexy genius. Celebrities get all the perks - adopting someone else's kids whenever they want, putting their breasts in their mouths, etc. You name it, they've done it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to travel to Africa and give that little guy his "Luckiest Boy In The World" medal.

What The Fuck?

2009-02-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

The Link Dump

2009-02-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here's a collection of links to what's been going on this past week. I'd love to cover them all but I don't have time for that now that my wife is back in school and my baby daughter is running as soon as her feet touch the floor.

Matt Cassel got peed on during the Super Bowl. Pats haters everywhere wish it was Brady.

Manny Ramirez turned down $25 million from the Dodgers. Apparently this dumb motherfucker doesn't realize we're in a recession. You know how many people I would kill for $25M? A LOT. And murder is a lot more fucking work than hitting homers and playing shitty defense.

Tom Cable will be the next Raiders coach fired.

Easily the most badass thing I've heard this year - Man gets shot in face, spits out bullet.

I Think We Have A Winner

2009-02-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

Women's cycling - that's pretty much all you need to know before pressing play. There isn't any reason for this video to be over 1 minute long when the best part is at the 0:35 mark. Whoever put this together needs to go to funny internet video editing school. All we need is the best part, then several slow-mo replays. In a women's bike in a race, you might not even need the replays. You could just leave the cameras running and probably catch them doing something stupid, like painting their nails or doing their makeup. If they'll do it while driving during rush hour, why not in the middle of a race?

That Super Bowl Was Not Boring

2009-02-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

Congrats Steelers and Steeler fans. Nice win and an exciting game made for a good super bowl party. Would have been better if my pool numbers hit... or if I had gotten off my ass to take the Cardinals covering... Oh well. There's always next season, which seems a million years away.

Flashback Friday - All Up In Your Grill

2009-01-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

This week it's just songs that will make you headbutt strangers. It's the least I could do since I haven't been posting these (or anything else) regularly.

Pantera - I'm Broken

I went to a Pantera/Sepultura/Prong concert as a kid. Some friends and I had floor seats and we were pretty excited about it. Then we saw there were no seats and just an empty floor, which meant we'd be in the mosh pit. We were still excited but also pretty fucking nervous, since most Pantera fans were a pretty rough and scary bunch and we were 15. I managed to make it just fine for the first two sets but when Pantera took the stage things got tricky.

I got pulled in to the mosh pit and was in there for about 45 straight minutes, which lead to leg cramps. How the fuck does a teenager get cramps at a concert? Immediately after my leg cramped, I got elbowed in my right eye and couldn't see straight the rest of the night. I didn't freak out (but was still a little nervous) because I felt fine but my folks took me to the eye doctor the next day. Turns out I just got some gunk on the contact lens I was wearing, but I was still a little shook.

Was that whole ordeal a mistake? Probably. Would I do it again? Definitely.

Bonus:

Ice Cube - Wicked

Before he was making children's movies, Ice Cube and his mom had a trunk full of nines. Cube was fucking great before he completely sold out. I choose to remember him when he was still angry and full of rage against white people. We can all agree he was a much better rapper back then. Still can't explain why Flea and Anthony Kedis are in this video though.

Double Bonus:

Faith No More & Boo-Ya Tribe - Another Body Murdered

I never saw Judgement Night but pretty much everyone I knew either had heard or copied the soundtrack. This was my favorite song, since I was a big Faith No More fan and this proved to me that they could do no wrong. Boo-Ya tribe is a pretty forgettable group but here they sound like the godfathers of rap here.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the Super Bowl and good luck in your pools.

NY Giants Fans Are Emotional

2009-01-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

No, that's not a fat sorority girl crying after being cut off by her parents and dumped by her abusive boyfriend. That's a Giants fan bitching about his team missing out on the Super Bowl despite just having won the last one. As a Raiders fan, the first thing I thought about doing was stabbing this guy "American Me" style. The last thing this cockpuncher would be worried about is Eli Manning throwing ducks in the wind.

It's things like this that make me glad we live in the digital age. People are like walking bullshit detectors just waiting for someone to fuck up and pull something like this. I'd blame Bob Saget and America's Funniest Home Videos for starting it, but they gave us Football To The Groin.

jackass list book club - Men Are Better Than Women

2009-01-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Here's Dick Masterson, author of the greatest book I have ever read in my life, Men Are Better Than Women. As you can guess from the title, it's the most hilarious and fact-filled book ever written. I won't bother with quoting the book because you should just go out and buy it. If you don't like it, you're probably one of the 5% of men who don't masturbate - a liar.

Flashback Friday - Singing Fish

2009-01-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

Remember Big Mouth Billy Bass? Now you probably wish you could forget again. I've always liked these things better when their switched off but apparently they can rock pretty hard when the batteries get low. About 25 seconds in, the fish starts going Morbid Angel on that ass and while it's not the greatest act around, it's been a slow week and I'm so busy with my new schedule that I have no time to update this blog. I'll do my best to make it up to you soon, loyal readers/clowns/sex offenders.

Worst Idea Ever?

2009-01-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

Worst. Idea. Ever . I'd like to give these guys a break and call what they're doing "pioneering" but it's pretty obvious what will happen when a guy riding a bike downhill in an attempt to jump over another guy.

"I Likeded Da Scrip Clubs."

2009-01-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

2:00 into the video we have Adam "Pacman" Jones admitting he "likeded da scrip clubs." Do I wish everyone was this honest? Fuck and yes. More importantly, videos like this make me miss the South. Being in Cali for so long, I almost forgot about words like scrip, screet and scrimp. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to deep fry some twinkies and oreos.

Granny Shot Invitational - First Half Recap

2009-01-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

The fantasy basketball season is halfway through, so here's a quick recap and a look at the standings. Now that every team has played each other once, I think it's safe to say everyone knows where their team stands.

Best Waiver Wire move:
TIE - Team Miley Cyrus adding Paul Milsap and The Kamaniacs adding Devin Harris (honroable mention: budget ballers adding Mike Dunleavy)

Devin Harris never should have been on waivers and was easily the worst drop of the year so far. The Kamaniacs lucked out and got him before anyone knew it happened. Paul Milsap has been unstoppable this season and with Carlos "I'm Announcing That I'm Leaving Mid-Season" Boozer going under the knife, it's safe to say that will continue for a while.

Worst Waiver Wire move: San Diego Slackers dropping Devin Harris

What the fuck? Yes you have a lot of point guards but you can always trade from depth. The fact that San Diego Slackers has made 47 roster moves in 10 weeks pretty much gives the best odds of making at least one major fuck-up.

Most Added/Dropped Player: TIE - Charlie Villanueva and Quentin Richardson

Fuck both these guys. Neither one is consistent and neither one is in a particularly great situation. They're the consumate fantasy basketball cockteases. Why anyone bothers with them is beyond me.

Most Frustrating Fantasy Basketball Player: TIE - Charlie Villanueva and Tyrus Thomas

If Tyrus Thomas ever figures out how to play basketball, the Bulls will be in great shape. Until then, they'll just look stupid while the Portland Trailblazers look like geniuses.

Most Disappointing Season: Shawn Marion (honorable mention: Mike Miller)

Everyone knew this was coming but holy fucking shit does Shawn Marion suck in a half court offense. He's pretty much killed his trade and free agent value since he can only play well in one type of offense. He wasn't worth the first round pick it took most teams to get him and while he probably hasn't ruined anyone's team, he sure as shit hasn't helped.

Mike Miller rotted on my bench for half a season before I dropped his ass. Get a haircut and stop passing to your shitty teammates, asshat. Don't you want to get traded to a contender?

Most Dominating Season: Dwyane Wade (honorable mention: Chris Paul)

I was determined to draft Wade in any leagues I played in this year based on his Olympic ass-kickery and it's paid off big time. He's leading the league in scoring and qualifies at PG and SG so the steals and blocks are fucking awesome.

Team Owner Eating Humble Pie: Brettallica

Remember this? You've still got time to make the playoffs, but I still don't like your chances.

My Biggest gripes with the league: too many fucking injuries, lack of trades and trash talk

It's not that I have to be involved in them but I can't believe that everyone is so happy with their rosters. Two total trades in 10 weeks? Give me a break. And if I give someone shit on the message board, you should have the balls to defend yourself or make a joke or something. It's all in fun!

Pogo Stick vs. Treadmill

2009-01-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

Let's clear this up right now, pogo sticks are fucking gay. There's nothing manly about a pogo stick. Everything about it flat out sucks. Bouncing isn't manly. Tiny sticks with springs aren't manly. That's why we have things like jackhammers and jumping really high to remind the pogo stick of it's place.

This cockpumper somehow thinks he's going to last more than one bounce on a treadmill going, what appears to be, 70 miles per hour. It's only after seeing this video that I wish treadmill burns were possible. They wouldn't be manly burns like the ones you get from motorcycle crashes, explosions or Indian Burns. They'd be really lame, vagina shaped marks so everyone would know that you're a douchebag.

The Japanese Think Of Everything

2009-01-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

I miss summer in the worst way, even though it's in the mid-50's, it's fucking freezing in my book. My people were not made for cold or rain, so I'm ready for this winter bullshit to be over.

In summer related activities, some Japanese game show-type thing invented the best thing I've heard of this week - a slip and slide made entirely of bikini-clad women. Just look at the guy testing this out. He's a fucking champ, clawing his way to the end. No way would he allow any of those women to prevent him from reaching his goal, which just happens to be crawling over them. If he happens to fondle a boob or something, it's in the name of progress not sexual deviation. I feel like I just represented this guy in court. The only thing he should be on trial for is not doing this sooner and inviting me along.

I tried getting my wife to do this and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the emergency room. I'm pretty sure that means my Japanese woman is defective.

That's That

2008-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the birth of my daughter, 2008 flew by but that doesn't mean it wasn't a long year. We can only hope that things will improve over the course of the next year. But... if they don't, we should at least be able to look at them and laugh.

Here's wishing everyone a safe and happy new year (and that people keep doing stupid things).

Failure - A Brief Photo Essay

2008-12-29T05:00:00.000-08:00

History!

2008-12-28T19:57:00.001-08:00

The Detroit Lions are the first team to ever go 0-16, topping the Tampa Bay Buccaneers mark of 0-14. Great work, assclowns. I'm not sure if it's a good thing that there was no crying/bitching/moaning/infighting on their way to the record, but who gives a shit?

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational Recap

2008-12-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to spon for starting Anquan Boldin. The goose egg gave me the title. Once again, props to One & Done aka Greg for overcoming the Tom Brady injury to finish strong and win 3rd place. Thanks to everyone who played in the first annual Al Davis Deathbed Invitational. Hope to see you again next year! If any readers would like to join next year's league, just contact me once we start sign ups.

Scooter Racing? No Thanks.

2008-12-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Scooters and racing don't seem like they'd go together, now we have proof. This asspumper can't catch a break as he tries over and over to harness the raw power of his speed machine. You can see he's getting passed by a lot of other riders but they're so fucking slow, I can't tell if they're riding scooters or running a 10K.

It's not unreasonable to think there are some Asian kids in a garage somewhere, tuning a scooter into a high performance vehicle. Well, if you consider rice rockets performance vehicles. If not, then they're just dicking around with a piece of shit that no one wants to be seen on. The lime green paint, racing decals and awesome spoiler would fix that.

There Were Some More Important Football Games

2008-12-22T06:00:00.001-08:00

Diabeetus Cutler can't wait to see Laserface Rivers this week.

The Titans clinched homefield advantage with their win over the Steelers. Lendale White's celebration dinner was scheduled for late Sunday night, ending sometime around Tuesday.

The fucking Patriots will not go away. NO ONE CAN DENY THIS!

The Broncos continued their suckitude in failing to clinch at home against all-star commenter Upstate Underdog's Bills. They now, somehow, are playing the Chargers for the title in the season finale. No word on whether Ed Hoculi will wear his Cutler jersey for the game.

With the Jets and Eagles losing, maybe we can stop hearing about them. I think we can all agree that the real story is Detroit going 0-16 AFTER firing Matt Millen. What were the odds on that? Please oh please oh please don't win next week, Lions. Do it for us.

My Raiders got a(nother) meaningless win over the Texans at home. The game wasn't televised locally, for good reason. Still, it was nice to see Raiders highlights for what seemed like the first time this season. That said, Tom Cable probably didn't save his job. The other Bay Area football coach, Mike Singletary, probably did with a win over the hapless Rams. I can't help but think that showing his team the chocolate starfish had a reverse "Major League" effect.

NBA Jam Was Better

2008-12-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

Fire is cool. Basketball is cool. Flaming basketball is somehow not cool. Definitely not as cool as fireball tennis.

Also not cool, the fact that this video doesn't have audio. These assholes are really flipping out and I want to hear them shrieking. There's no shame in screaming, it's in the national anthem. At least that's what I tell people when they give me the stank eye. They obviously don't know how much stubbing your toe hurts.

Because Skateboard Tricks Are Hard

2008-12-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

Finally, a guy who gets what we're looking for - big falls, no tricks. You are an American hero and a phenomenal dumbass.

Flashback Friday: Forgotten Genres

2008-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

The uber-shredder soloist

Falling somewhere between the tail end of the heavy metal icons of the late 1970s and early 1980s and the beginning of glam rock/hair band epics of the late-1980s is the uber-shredder genre. Instead of the one- to two-minute (and sometimes longer) solos of the heavy metal days, these songs usually consisted of one continuous solo; at the very least, the rhythm section of a piece was usually so complicated that it would likely classify as a solo section if played in a different genre.

An absolute staple of the 1980s, some artists still hang onto this style and try to keep it alive. This particular shredder is named Michael Angelo Batio, and apparently, he got bored with "standard" shredding and decided that he was too good for a guitar with one neck. Hence, the double-neck guitar. More necks = more shredding. Bonus jackassing for keeping that hairstyle "alive" -- although "alive" might not be the best way to describe that 'do.

Freestyle (aka Electro aka Club R&B)

No one epitomizes this steaming pile of sonic shit better than Stevie B, although Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam might have something to say about that. Normally, something so blatantly homosexual in nature would be blamed on San Francisco but you can thank Miami for this. All that said, Stevie B looks like a pretty rugged dude once you get past the soft, high voice and speed lined mullet. Freestyle was huge in the 80's, probably because it sounded better if you were on cocaine. I can only imagine the dance parties I missed out on.

Some blame the rise of alternative rock for the death of freestyle, since all those angst-ridden white kids were the ones buying up Stevie B albums. I blame freestyle for being inherently crappy and not evolving with the public's musical tastes. You can't play the same song a dozen times on every album for a decade and expect to get away with it.

Al Davis Deathbed Invitation - The Final Showdown

2008-12-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

The final boils down to me and spon and he's got Drew Brees. That's the long way of saying I'm totally fucked, but it's what I expected after finishing as regular season champ. Hope your leagues have gone well and good luck to everyone playing in the finals this week or next.

Big ups to One & Done for coming back from the bottom of the league standings, beating Brettallica in consecutive weeks to not only make the playoffs but advance to the second round.

Breaking News - Coca-Cola Is Not A Contraceptive

2008-12-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

The British Medical Journal has issued a statement saying "The belief that Coca-Cola works as an after-sex spermicide is nothing but urban legend." I, for one, am completely floored. Usually, I'd just check snopes for this kind of stuff, but the BMJ will also do.

Another nugget from the report:

In addition, Coca-Cola damages the top layer of cells within the vagina, and makes a woman more prone to sexually transmitted disease. And while it is largely harmless to sperm, soda pop removes healthy bacteria, opening the way to fungal and bacterial infection.
Experiments with other forms of vaginal douches have found an increased risk of pelvic inflammation and ectopic pregnancy, in which a fertilized egg is implanted in the fallopian tube, rather than in the uterus.

So it looks like I'll be standing in line at the free clinic, instead of Albertson's for my contraceptive needs. The most disappointing part is that millions of men will no longer have the chance to use awesome pick-up lines like:

"You know why I have a 6-pack of soda by my bed? 'Cause I can go all night."

Some other related stories published by the BMJ:
All Trees Are Wood
The Sky Is Blue
Women Will Believe Almost Anyting You Tell Them

Idaho Sucks

2008-12-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

2005 Miss Idaho

All-Star poster and blogger, Brettallica will tell you from first hand experience that Idaho sucks. The crew at AOL Fanhouse did a little digging and found out that people from Idaho agree. Boise, site of the Humanitarian bowl, has sold just over a dozen tickets to the bowl game.

Last year 26,000 people braved the December cold to watch the game. While some fans made the trek to Boise McDonald says they rely on locals to help fill the seats... As of Monday afternoon the University of Maryland says it's sold about 16 tickets to the game. The University of Nevada says it's sold 8 so far.

That almost has to be a typo but Boise's 2News hasn't issued a correction.

We can all agree that the BCS is fucked, but at least they don't have bowl games in Idaho during winter.

What The Fuck?

2008-12-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

~~Stripping~~ Exotic Dancing is one of the few jobs that should have absolute security. You can try to outsource it, but you can't replace or duplicate the feeling of titties in your face. Some fucktards thought it would be a great idea to create stripping robots. It's safe to say that strippers around the world have nothing to worry about. That is until they get the robots from Bjork's "All is Full of Love" to come out of retirement.

Nobody Cares About Your Stupid Kids

2008-12-16T08:43:00.002-08:00

Did you ever wonder why you don't give a shit about what people have to say about their "perfect kids"? It's because of crap like this:

"Isn't that cute?"
"No, that's not cute. That's ridiculous. Your kids need a beating in the worst way."

If this is what this retard does when he's excited over a gift he's just received, I'd love to see what happens when his precious toys are taken away.

As if this retardery wasn't enough, this douchebag capitalist Dugger family wannabe is profiting on their kids' idiocy and have opened up their own website. I feel kind of bad linking their site to this one. The only reason this is acceptable is because you get to see the video again.

Flashback Friday: Face Paint Free

2008-12-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Lords Of The Underground - Chief Knocka

Lords Of The Underground weren't a great group but they had a few songs that I fucking loved and pretty much wore out playing basketball in my driveway. It was during the part of my formative years when I was "black." To make that clear, I didn't "act black" or put up a front, pretending all black people were my friends. I was guilty of watching way too much YO! MTV Raps and spending all my free time playing pick-up games which somehow got me made into an "honorary negro" by some friends. That might have been a scam as it's been over 10 years and I'm still waiting for my giant penis.

Embarassing Song You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Insane Clows Posse - Chickin' Huntin'

A good indicator of how good a band is: how much paint/makeup do they wear? If the answer is anything other than "none" that band probably sucks. And Jesus Harold Christ these guys fucking suck. They're most notable for feuding with Eminem (which provided a few good diss tracks, if you can find them), painting their faces and wasting Faygo soda. I'm not going to pretend that I know any of their songs, since they all sound the same. I think this was the first one that came up on my youtube search. Thank God for videos; they're the lazy blogger's best tool.

Holy Shit!

2008-12-12T09:23:00.001-08:00

Here's the video of Corey Hill's leg snapping during Wednesday's "UFC Fight For The Troops." Better check this one out soon before the UFC kills it. This is really, really, really, really bad.

I told you that this was bad. Gotta love the reaction of the fighter who thought the fight was ended too early.

Your Reminder That Our Economy Is Just Fine

2008-12-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Some of y'all might remember that I was laid off about 6 weeks ago. I can honestly say, it's been the longest 6 weeks of my life. I was just offered a job that begins the week of Christmas (I'm grateful, but that kinda blows). Your sleepless nights can finally end, all is right in the world again.

The downside is that I had to get a whole new fucking wardrobe since I haven't worn "work clothes" in about 6 years. Nothing like spending money you don't have!

Off-Topic: Shitty Holiday Foods - Fruitcake

2008-12-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

My grandparents called up the other day because they're pretty excited to have my family visit for Christmas. Don't get me wrong - I like hanging out with my grandparents because they're hilarious. They don't censor themselves because they're old and feel like they've put up with enough bullshit. Sometimes I have to wonder what they're thinking.

Grandma: We just can't wait to see you.
Me: Yeah it'll be fun.
Grandma: Oh yes. We've even got a fruitcake saved.
Me: Why the hell are you doing that? Fruitcake is terrible.
Grandma: No it's not and it'll be even better by the time you get here.

It took everything in me to keep from making some "senile" jokes before hanging up on her. Instead, I just tried to talk her and my Grandpa into eating that brick so that I don't have to. I thought they loved me but now I'm having doubts. I thought people only eat it when their crappy relatives are around.

My research has shown that the European versions are much lighter, moister (ha... moist) and therefore better than the dry crap we get here. That doesn't mean I'm on the first plane across the pond to find out if that's true. I also found that "The Great Fruitcake Toss" is held in Manitou Spring, Colorado. I know I'm not the only who thought that would be held in San Francisco.

Just look at the diagram above. It looks like a piece of shit, stuffed with and rolled in confetti. Still looks better than any real fruitcake I've ever seen. Do a Google search if you want (and for the love of God leave the SafeSearch option on). Holy fucking hell, I hate fruitcake. I'm not sure there's any real fruit in there or cake for that matter. It's the turd of cakes.

There Were Some Important NFL Games This Weekend

2008-12-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

Tony Romo didn't let anyone down this weekend, except Cowboys fans, as he choked away a win in Pittsburgh. There seemed to be some Cowboy confusion on the final interception returned for a touchdown, first when Romo missed Jason Witten then again when everyone started cheering as it was run back for the score. Why were all those people cheering for the Steelers to win? The Cowboys are "America's Team!" Why do they hate America? The Cowboys are still in the playoff picture, so insufferable rednecks and migrant workers still have something to cheer about.

The Giants, Titans and Cardinals all clinched their respective divisions, not that there was ever any doubt. The biggest surprise is that the Cardinals clinched their first title in for-fucking-ever. My favorite post-game quote came from Darnell Dockett (who celebrated after returning a fumble for a TD):

"My coach was like, 'Act like you’ve been there before, act like you’ve been there before.' I said 'Coach, I ain’t been there before. I don’t know how to act right now.'"

Preach!

The Dolphins, Jets and Pats all managed to create a tie in the AFC East. I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope the Pats and Jets crash their team planes into each other sometime in the next week. It's the only way to avoid Massholes and Favre-llatio.

Fifteen Years

2008-12-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

O.J. Simpson will probably spend the rest of his life in prison. He was sentenced to 15 years for a variety of charges stemming from his failed "collection attempt" in Las Vegas. He's 61, but up for parole in 5 years. His fall from grace might be one of the saddest stories in all of sports but isn't that bad if you consider that he, literally, got away with murder.

Flashback Friday

2008-12-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Rage Against The Machine - People Of The Sun

Way back when I actually bought CD's, I remember being pretty fucking excited when the second RATM album dropped. I didn't think it was that great at the time, but now i realize this album is arguably their best. It's too bad that they ever broke up because we could have had more quality music instead of that audioslave shit (FUCK YOU CHRIS CORNELL. You are not Robert Fucking Plant so stop screaming) or Zack De La Rocha's make believe album that never really happened. Don't get me started on Tom Morello's "The Nightwatchman" because holy shit that was terrible.

Being one of 5 guys who liked hip-hop and rock at my high school, the rap-metal trend was a blessing and a curse to teens everywhere. Sure it was great for throwing on mixes and getting pumped up before games, but it pretty much fucked up any chance you had with girls. Apparently, rap-metal is the tipping point on a woman's testosterone meter. Thank God those days are over. I think we can all agree that being ignored by girls is worse than having your wife think you're an idiot no matter what age you are.

Song That You Would Not Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Live - Lightening Crashes

I can't believe these assholes had a hit album, much less hit songs. The fact that no one ever heard of these guys after Throwing Copper (What the fuck?) doesn't bother me in the least. I'm assuming they're back to panhandling at airports and giving out their fucking hare krishna pamphlets.

Have you ever had one of these people approach you? Jesus. They're right up there with the coupon book guys and the guys trying to get you to sign some petition. Criminy, I fucking hate these guys. It seems like they're everywhere since we have so many hippies in this town. It's really the worst part about living in coastal California. Luckily they're easy to avoid, since you can smell these fuckers from 30 feet away. If they ever start easing up on the patchuli oil, the world as we know it may end.

This Is Gross

2008-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, this is video is bad. I first watched it about 3 days ago and my asshole is still clenched. Obviously, it looks worse than it really is, but it's still pretty shocking. Big props to the cameraman who keeps trying to get his buddy to injure himself then makes a half-assed attempt at checking on him. He might be the same mastermind behind the Rodney King video.

When Exercise Equipment Strikes

2008-12-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

This is an excerpt from what might possibly be the worst infomercial ever made. Yes, even worse than the treadmobile because this involves an accident. I won't add to teh funny here because the 43 seconds of fury are self sufficient.

Thanksgiving Weekend Round-Up

2008-12-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

Looks like that "Matt Cassel is better for the Pats" talk will end now.

Lebron James and Charles Barkley disagreed on Lebron's plans for 2010.

The Lions, Seahawks and Bengals are still horrible.

Your reminders that the holidays are the perfect time to lose all your faith in humanity.

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

2008-12-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

In case you were in a cave, on Mars, with your fingers in your ears, you probably heard that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg while fumbling his gun at a night club. Even better is that he's going to be charged with criminal possession of a weapon - a felony - and will face between three-and-a-half to seven years in jail. There are rumors floating on the interwebs that five-oh wasn't even aware of what went down until the Giants leaked them the info.

That is fucking awesome.

Who wouldn't want to try to recover some of the money wasted on this clown? They're winning without him and it's arguable that they overpaid this guy with the new contract extention. If it happened in L.A., I'm positive he'd walk. If it happened in Boston, he'd have been lynched already. I'm not exactly sure what New York does with celebrity dumbass criminals but I'm hoping it's swift and painful.

Flashback Friday - Post-Thanksgiving Edition

2008-11-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

The holiday and my personal schedule kept me from posting much of anything this week. Here are a few goodies to hold you over until things smooth out.

Song to Fight Black Friday Crowds: Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis

This and The Jackson 5's version of “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” are the only Holiday songs I like and of course I never get to hear them. Every time I try to play them at home, my wife shoots me the “Are you retarded?” look. I tried the “Holiday music doesn't have to sound like Holiday music” argument but failed. Just passing that along to save you the trouble.

Song Unlikely To Be Played During the Holidays: Winger - Seventeen

If Kip Winger wasn't so fucking into himself, this could have been a pretty ~~awesome~~ inappropriate video. A song about jailbait should have a video that featured less chest hair. This cockpumper is just posing with his bass for half the song. I can't blame him for trying to distract from the lyrics though. This dumbfuck is practically singing a confession. Where was Chris Hansen then?

R.I.P. MC Breed

2008-11-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

MC Breed was found dead at a friend's home this morning. He was 37.

I won't pretend like I was hit biggest fans but he did one of my all-time favorite songs "Ain't No Future In Yo Frontin" and repped Detroit/Midwest hip-hop about as well as anyone could in the early 90's. It was a market that was ignored and he managed to make solid songs and work with bigger acts like Tupac, bringing more attention to the Detroit scene.

No reason to wait for Flashback Friday:

Mercury Morris Would Like To Remind You The Titans Lost

2008-11-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

WASSUP Y'ALL! This is Mercury Morris, All-Pro running back and member of the Miami Dolphins historical undefeated team just reminding you that 10-1 is not 17-0. Are the Titans the best team in the AFC? You bet. But they're not on our block just yet. They can't hang with us. Are you ready to come on my block? You can come to the party but can you put your keys in the fishbowl? No way. I respect what they done, but they couldn't beat Brett fucking Favre at home? That guy can't even spell... pronounce... spell... whatever! HIS NAME AIN'T RIGHT! You gonna go out like that, I'll just keep poppin' bottles with Nick Buoniconti. You weren't ready to be my bride, so you just gonna have to stay chained up in the basement!

Flashback Friday - Now With More Goat Blood

2008-11-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

Song That Will Make You Headbutt A Total Stranger:
Slayer - Seasons In The Abyss

Slayer was one of "those" bands growing up. You didn't know if you were supposed to be into them or be afraid of them. It was normal to see kids wearing Metallica t-shirts or even patches on their jackets. If you saw a kid wearing a Slayer shirt or patches, you knew that kid was a fucking maniac. You didn't find anyone else hacking themselves up in the name of fandom. On the plus side, that must go over great on dates and interviews, if you're with a huge Slayer fan.

Growing up as an uneasily identified minority in Texas, there were only a few things scarier than Slayer: their fans, "passionate" rednecks (the kind with the confederate flag displayed prominently) and anyone, particularly white kids, in trenchcoats. That last one still scares the shit out of me. Who wears a trenchcoat? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING YOU PERVERTED ANARCHIST? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF GLOBAL WARMING MOTHERFUCKER?

Embarassing Song You Wouldn't Want To Be Caught Listening To:
Guns 'N' Roses - November Rain

Holy fucking shit, does this song blow. I'd be tempted to say it's one of the worst songs I've ever heard but that would be letting groups like Winger, Warrant and Slaughter off the hook. I think you should know that Brettallica probably just creamed himself after reading that list of names.

I think I was in eighth grade when this steaming pile of shit came out and every preppy faggot claimed this song rocked "so hard." I'm not sure if it was because the song is unbearably long or if the preppy bitches liked it. Probably because we were all 13 and didn't know what the fuck were were talking about. Except the Slayer fans; they knew what rocked AND what would make you want to kill your parents.

I clearly remember being at a party and this song game on. At first, everyone started slow dancing, and the girl I was dancing with (a friend of mine) said "We have something planned when it rocks." I was like "Who is we?" That's when she and her girlfriends literally jumped out into the middle of the floor and started banging their heads, helicopter style, to the second half guitar solo. There aren't many things that will kill a 13 year-olds sex drive, but that was one of them. Not that I had a shot at any of those girls, but I was definitely didn't think about them when I masturbated later that night.

Such Natural Grace

2008-11-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

Now, ya see, we've got the fat guy jumping on the back here, and then ya got the front of the cart going up like this. That's gonna cause some trouble and BOOM fat guy gets his shit wrecked. Bonus points for getting run over twice by the cart. Here's hoping these assholes are banned from every golf course, forever.

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 11 Recap

2008-11-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick recap before the Thursday games get started. Three teams left battling for a playoff spot with 2 games left. Seeds are still up in the air, but it looks like spon and I are looking at the top 2 spots, which means a first week bye. Take that ballsuckers!

Next Up, Bigfoot

2008-11-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here's the legendary video of Michael Jordan losing a game of one on one at his basketball camp. He loses to a CEO named John Rogers and it's safe to say this is probably the greatest thing John Rogers has ever done in his life. Finding true love, getting married, having children, finishing college, becoming a CEO - none of that shit is as cool as telling your grandkids you beat the greatest basketball player ever at his own game. Having MJ ridiculed by Damon Wayans is just more salt in the wound.

Who Needs Eyebrows?

2008-11-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

This doesn't have anything to do with anything but I thought it was pretty cool. Some backyard fucktards got a microwave burning and exploded it with a rake. Complete with mushroom cloud goodness.

This Was Surprising

2008-11-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Word got out last week about Keyshawn Johnson getting his own reality show, based on his attempt at becoming an interior designer.

A&E Network today announced a new original series "Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design" and the seventh season of veteran original "Sell This House," both Real-Life series are currently in production and slated for premiere in 2009 as part of the Saturday line-up, The Big Fix. "Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design" will follow the day-to-day drama facing former NFL pro and current ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson as he embarks on a very different career path: interior designer.

Just when I thought no one gave a shit, Warren Sapp proved me wrong:

That kinda surprised me since I didn't know these two didn't get along. And also because of this:

What The Fuck?

2008-11-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

This is an ad for a SpeedFit "treadmobile." It's just a treadmill with wheels. My brain almost broke when I saw this video, mainly because there's so much wrong with it that I couldn't figure out where to start. The fact that someone thought slapping wheels on a treadmill so you could take it around the neighborhood was a good idea? Making it big enough for two? Making an ad for it?

Jesus Christ. This would have a chance at being cool if there were guns mounted on it or if it was capable of running down douchey joggers/bikers. Somehow I don't think the SpeedFit is capable of anything like that.

Off-Topic: Flashback Fridays

2008-11-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

We decided to start a series of posts, focusing on the music of our youth. Some of these will be songs that we used to love(d), many will be songs that we hate(d). We'll try to make it a weekly thing but no promises. We're always open to suggestions/reminders. Please to enjoy:

Song that will make you head butt a total stranger:
Redman - Time For Sum Aksion

Holy fucking shit, did I love this song. I used it to get pumped up for basketball games back in the day. I think I was one of three Redman fans in my high school so everyone always said "What Cypress Hill song is this?" Cockpumpers. Then again "Whut? Thee Album" was released before I started high school so maybe I'm at fault. Not likely. It was their fault for not remembering a classic album released only 2 years before.

This video was sort a blueprint for the testosterone-fueled east coast rap of the early 90's - no women, just the song and rapper/posse hanging out while filmed in gritty quality. They were always shot in some dirty ass locations too. Train yards, subway stations, freeway overpasses and any other place where exposed syringes were available.

Song that you wouldn't want to be caught listening to:
PM Dawn - Set Adrift On Memory Bliss

A couple of little known facts about PM Dawn: 1) they're brothers, 2) their stepfather is George Brown, one of the founding members of Kool & The Gang. That second one really gets me because there's no excuse for a man of George Brown's stature to accept this kind of bitchery from his stepsons. He probably just wrote these two off as fags and went back to a life of being knee deep in poon and drugs. I can't say I blame him, seeing as how he had to come home to this shit.

Believe it or not, Prince Be and DJ Minute Mix are still making music but haven't released any of it. Thank God.

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 10 Recap

2008-11-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

I get my first loss of the year against a huge game from Gregsauce. He put up the #2 score of the week and my lineup put up a few stinkers (fucking Steve Slaton, Derrick Mason) but ended up the #3 score of the week.

Don lost to Alyson after she put up the high score of the week. Normally I'd give him a pass for losing to the high score, but he lost to a girl. Turn in your dick. You won't be needing it anymore.

Spon gets a close win and locks up the 2nd playoff spot. Brettallica puts up a solid week but his win streak comes to a close and he still looks like he'll make a run into the playoffs. I can safely say that's a big surprise to everyone in the league, Brett included.

Jacobson puts up another win and One & Done's season has come to a close, as he needs a miracle to make the playoffs. I've tried every kind of jinx I can think of but Jacobson still hasn't suffered any team-ruining injuries. I've got three more weeks to work on my Matt Forte/Brandon Marshall/Marshawn Lynch voodoo dolls.

Christ. Neither Nick the Sports Guy or Rossi could crack 100 points this week. I should banish both of you but I can't. I just can't quit you.

Standings

Make It Stop

2008-11-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ, this has to be the longest fucking football season ever. It doesn't get any shorter when Jake Delhomme throws for 72 yards and 4 INT's on the road against the Raiders and STILL WINS 17-6. Thank God this game wasn't on TV. If that wasn't bad enough, the Raiders have scored a whopping nine touchdowns in nine games. To that in persepective, Lendale White currently leads the league with 11 rushing TD's and Anquan Boldin leads all recievers with 8 TD's.

Only 8 more weeks to go until I get to wonder how they'll fuck up their first rounder and see the falcons steal a 2nd round talent for that asshole Deangelo Hall. I'm seriously having a fan-crisis here. How can I continue to follow a team that has no interest in making me happy?

"Plus Size Is Happening"

2008-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

If you ever wondered what it would be like if LL Cool J and the Ultimate Warrior had a baby, this is your answer. It looks like this video was filmed 25 years ago but apparently it was shot around a week ago.

WHOA!

2008-11-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Couldn't have said it better myself, asshole! Better stick to practicing jumps in mom's garage. I'm not sure how to respond to the cameraman. It's cool that he's looking out for his friend but it sucks that he keeps other bikers from jumping on him.

Hitchhiker's Guide To Hasty Getaways

2008-11-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is an oldie but a goodie. Plus it's a perfect day outside so videos are about all I'm for doing today. I'm sure you can supply your own jackass/dick/rape jokes for a few hours.

Granny Shot Invitational - Draft Recap

2008-11-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

The first annual Granny Shot Invitational started off with a thud, holding the live draft on 10/23/08. Here are the players and their rosters (in draft order), to make this group of assholes slightly interesting. Not everyone bothered to fill in this information, so I took the liberty of filling out for them. Let's see if you can guess which teams I'm talking about. Yay for interactive blogging!

Brettallica
Team name: RIP Thunder
Favorite nba team: Golden State Warriors (bitch)
Your best pick: Debatable. Lebron as #1 overall is obviously the easiest, but the sandwich pick at the end of round #2 and beginning of round #3 yielded Dwight Howard and Steve Nash, respectively. Ben Gordon in round #10 was pretty good, I thought.
Your worst pick: Also debatable. Greg Oden in round #7 might be considered a bit too early for an unproven talent. I really wanted him, though. I think he’ll be good. [Ed. - HAHAHA]
How much money would would it take to be hit in the balls with a hammer three times? $500,000
Who you think will finish first: I will.
Who do you think will finish last: Tobdawgs (only because I’d like to start the season off with a win).
Would you rather have fire shoot out of your nose whenever you say "the" or have a magnetic head? Magnetic head for sure.

Casey
Team name: San Diego Slackers
Your best pick: Chris Paul at #2
Your worst pick: Kevin Durant in the 5th
Would you rather have fire shoot out of your nose whenever you say "the" or have a magnetic head? Both. While watching my parents have sex at a red light.
Who do you think will finish first: San Diego Slackers
Who you think will finish last: Skeleton Crew
How much money would would it take to be hit in the balls with a hammer three times? If I get a magnetic head/fire nose combo while watching my parents have sex at a red light, I don't need money.

Don Borgmeyer
Team name: The Kamaniacs
Favorite nba team: The Clippers
Your best pick: Luol Deng in the 8th Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? Having lived in LA for the last 6 years, I'm taking the red lights. I hit them all anyway. I hate this place
Your worst pick: Rashard Lewis instead of Rudy Gay
Who you think will finish first: The Kamaniacs
Who you think will finish last: RIP Thunder - who in the hell drafts Ronny Turiaf?
Would you rather have fire shoot out of your nose whenever you say "the" or have a magnetic head? There's actually quite a bit of hidden upside with either one of these [Ed. - what the fuck?], but I'll take the magnetic dome

Upstate Underdog
Team name: Damage Inc
Favorite nba team: NY Knicks [Ed. - HAHAHA]
Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? every red light
Your best pick: Andre Miller in the 6th round (auto pick)
Your worst pick: Kirk Hinrich in the 10th round (auto pick)
Who you think will finish first: RIP Thunder
Who you think will finish last: Skeleton Crew
Would you wrestle an alligator for 10 straight minutes if you got to have your way with Marissa Miller? no

George Szundi
Team name: Team Miley Cyrus
Your best pick (autopick): Allen Iverson in the 2nd
Your worst pick (autopick): Lamar Odom in the 6th
How much money would would it take to be hit in the balls with a hammer three times? a $25 In-N-Out gift card.
Who do you think will finish first: I always finish first, just ask my girlfriend
Who you think will finish last: Not my girlfriend
Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? Both

ognihs
Team Name: budget ballers
Favorite NBA team(s): Warriors and Rockets
How much money would would it take to be hit in the balls with a hammer three times? There isn't enough money in the world.
Your best pick: Tim Duncan in the 3rd, should have been gone in the 2nd.
Your worst pick: Either Michael Redd in the 5th [Ed - Redd was traded in week 1 to Damage Inc for Antwan Jamison] or Mike Miller in the 7th (instead of Josh Howard)
Who do you think will finish first: The Kamaniacs, La Verdad is the dark horse - JINXED
Who you think will finish last: RIP Thunder because he botched the draft after the first 5 rounds.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? As much as I hate red lights, I'd choose that over (more) psychological scars.

David Jacobson
Team name: F Boston
Favorite nba team: Lakers
Your (autodraft’s) best pick: Deron Williams- any top PG is a great pick
Your (autodraft’s) worst pick: Joakim Noah- he doesn’t exactly scream great NBA player, what a sissy.
Who you think will finish first: Team Miley Cyrus- I just really wanted to say that name [Ed. - I forwarded your address to the police!]
Who you think will finish last: F Boston- You can win baseball or football on autodraft but basketball you need a plan.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? Red Lights
Would you wrestle an alligator for 10 straight minutes if you got to have your way with Marissa Miller? Yes, twice

Toby Ow
Team name: Tobdawgs
Your best pick: Kevin Martin
Your worst pick: Troy Murphy
Would you wrestle an alligator for 10 straight minutes if you got to have your way with Marissa Miller? yes
Who do you think will finish first: budget ballers
Who you think will finish last: tobdawgs
How much money would would it take to be hit in the balls with a hammer three times? ten million plus enough money to build a time machine to go back in time and shoot the guy who hits me in the balls before he can do it.

El Presidente
Team name: Skeleton Crew
Your best pick: Rudy Gay in the 3rd
Your worst pick: Everyone after that
Would you rather have fire shoot out of your nose whenever you say "the" or have a magnetic head? Fire out my nose.
Who do you think will finish first: Damage Inc.
Who you think will finish last: Skeleton Crew
Would you wrestle an alligator for 10 straight minutes if you got to have your way with Marissa Miller? No but I'd wrestle Marissa Miller for 10 minutes if I got to fuck an alligator afterwards

Gregsauce
Team name: La Verdad
Your best pick (autopick): Danny Granger in the 2nd
Your worst pick (autopick): Pretty much every player that wasn't a PG or C because my team needs them very, very badly
Would you rather have fire shoot out of your nose whenever you say "the" or have a magnetic head? Fire out my nose.
Who do you think will finish first: Me. I'm a fantasy sports "expert."
Who you think will finish last: RIP Thunder. Brett sucks.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex or hit every red light for the rest of your life? Watch my parents have sex. I'm sick.

Draft Results
(Current rosters have some significant changes.)

How not to _____, part 100

2008-11-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Normally I like to write a little bit about a video clip that I post.

For this one, all I'm going to say is treadmill and handstand. You do the math.

EXTREEEEEEME!

2008-11-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

This Superman wannabe tries to sail down an escalator without touching a step. One guess as to how this ends. If you guessed bloody, collect your prize at the door.

That's Not How A Swing Works

2008-11-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have no clue what this asshole is trying to do. Luckily for him the injury only looks extremely painful and probably should have been a lot worse. That can only mean he'll be back posting more stupid videos online in no time.

Mopeds Still Suck

2008-11-05T13:30:00.001-08:00

I don't know what country this is from but it's still pretty fucking funny. What it lacks in blood and broken bones, it makes up for in gibberish and mopeds.

You're Doing It Wrong

2008-11-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

High school football player Klipton Ramos is sitting in jail on charges of felony aggravated assault, after attacking his coach on the sidelines. Yeah, you read that right.

Apparently this began as a call from the referee, which a number of players including Ramos disagreed with -- creating anger that quickly turned to violence.

After reviewing the report, Lt. Mowry says it's the first time he's ever seen a case in which a high school football player violently attacked his own coach, and over a situation that did not involve the coach.

"Usually the fights are between opposing teams," said Mowry, "He turned on his own coach from trying to stop him and remove him from the field."

Coach Wooldridge was hospitalized for a short time afterwards.

He suffered some relatively extensive damage to his face, which includes a broken eye socket and nasal cavity.

I've never seen this kid play but I can already tell he'll be a great fit in the NFL. Now he has to channel his rage and aggression toward the appropriate outlets: women, opposing players, random people at bars and journalists. Not bloggers. Definitely not bloggers.

Someone Call Cinemax

2008-11-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

Former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Valeria Mazza is on her way to an Argentinian prison, after she and her husband were busted for tax evasion. Turns out some stereotypes are true - this brainiac lived the lavish lifestyle of a supermodel while reporting minimal earnings. In related news, the number of Argentinian prison guard applications have increased by 10,000%.

FYI - That picture is like 10 years old. No clue what she looks like now, not that it matters since she'll be traded for cigarettes anway.

[Sports by Brooks]

Please Please Please Be True

2008-11-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

Adam Schefter is reporting that Al Davis is growing tired of paying Deangelo Hall to get burned on routine pass plays. This worthless piece of shit somehow hasn't been cut yet and has made $1 million per game. I hope he collects his paychecks with a gun and mask because he sure as hell hasn't earned them. As if that wasn't bad enough, this fucking guy cost a second rounder to boot. WHAT. A FUCKING. WASTE.

A certain worldwide leader also mentioned that Javon Walker could be next on the chopping block. Take your time guys, you've alreday paid him $11 million to catch about 2 passes per game. I think Al made an attempt to get some of that money back but I'm not sure how that turned out.

I don't know whether to be happy or upset that it took Al eight fucking games to put this shit together. Things get difficult when you're old and it can't be easy to manage a pro football team AND harvest the souls and vital organs of young children.

FINALLY

2008-11-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 9 Recap

2008-11-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

I caught a break as Greg lost Kyle Orton (never thought I'd say that) early in a great matchup against the Lions and ended up with big games from the Jets D and Calvin Johnson en route to the 2nd highest score of the week. The win guarantees me a playoff spot and has Greg on the outside looking in at 3-6. I'm gonna go ahead and sum up One & Done's season in two words - injured quarterbacks.

Brettallica beat a girl to lock down 3rd place. Congratulations on the four game win streak. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Spon continues his string of ridiculous scores, beating the team formerly known as Turner and Housh (Stop all the fucking name changes already! There's no future in this league, it's a redraft league.) to tighten his grip on 2nd place. Spon's team is probably the toughest in the league, when he remembers to set his lineup.

Don sneaks into one of the last two playoff spots with a win over Rossi, who just kinda showed up out of nowhere this week. Rossi's 2-7 but apparently not going down without a fight or something.

Jacobson got a huge game from Donovan McNabb and it was the difference in getting the W this week over Nick the Sports Guy. Nick's "best bad team in the league" is still in position to take the last playoff spot with a 2 game lead on One & Done with 4 games to go.

Bad Touch

2008-11-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

There's not a whole lot to this clip other than some guy getting his shit wrecked by a baby elephant. Apparently he thinks he's Doctor Doolittle or something and receives a reality check. This is why you never touch wild animals. THEY'RE FUCKING WILD. IT'S IN NAME - WILD ANIMALS.

Just because you go on vacation somewhere, doesn't give you permission to piss off the wildlife. I'm 100% positive that isn't included in the cost of traveling. If it was, it would probably be fucking impossible to leave the states, since we're stereotyped as complete assholes. I don't know where that came from but coincidentally this blog is HUGE overseas.

Goodell Justice Strikes Again

2008-11-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Roger Goodell hasn't stopped dishing out his unique brand of arbitrary, senseless justice. The latest ~~victim~~ violator of league policy is Steelers' safety Ryan Clark. Clark was fined $5000 for "radically modifying his uniform"

What was his "radical modification"? He put the number 21 [Ed. - in memoriam of Redskins Saftey Sean Taylor] on his eye black patches.

Clark wears #21 in practices as a tribute to his late friend, and has already petitioned the league to change his number for games as well, which was denied.

GASP! That fiend! Scoundrel! Why I bet he's going to try to change his name in an attempt to defraud the National Football League and their corporate equipment sponsor Reebok, out of dozens of dollars!

The league has to understand the spirit of the rules. Everyone understands the business end of sports, but at some point we have to recognize the human element. We all love to scream at these guys on Sundays but we've got to allow them some form of expression on the field. They're not robots. There's got to be a way to keep the game fun for fans and players. It probably involves killing all the old, white men in power. Even if it doesn't, I think that's the best place to start.

Holy Crap There Are A Lot Of Free Agents

2008-11-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

The always reliable Associated Press put out a list of the 184 players that are potential free agents (assuming options aren't picked up) for the 2009 season. I think it goes without saying that there are a whole lot of guys that no one really gives a shit about on this list. Take a look at the list - it's broken down by team - and try to see how many names you recognize. Bonus points if you know who Javier Valentin, Gary Bennett or John Parrish are without having played fantasy baseball. Good luck getting those options picked up guys.

FanIQ has a good piece on Manny Ramirez, arguably the biggest name on the market, rejecting a two-year, $60 mmmmillion offer from the Dodgers. Apparently he thinks he's either getting a four year deal or doing better than $30 million a year, despite turning 37 next season. Or maybe it's just "Manny being Manny." Either way, the Dodgers get fucked so I think I can live with his douchebaggery.

Don't Sweat The Technique

2008-11-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the point of all this is and I don't really give a shit. The end result is a pretty bad faceplant, so I'm just going to keep hitting replay and laughing at this cockpuncher. If Alicia Sacramone is looking for anyone else to KTFO, I suggest this guy. That is if he doesn't take himself out first.

Nice Pass

2008-11-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

Who's the bigger jackass: the guy standing up even though he's not playing or the guy passing him the ball?

Stay Classy Philly

2008-10-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

In case you missed them, here are my two favorite World Series celebration videos. First we have a Rays fan being drilled after climbing up a traffic light.

YES!

And here we have some random car being flipped (thanks Walkoff Walk)

I've always said you can tell how great a city is by their championship riots and Philly has definitely impressed me. Not as much as Detroit which is still burning (or was always burning, either way still #1) but still able to give Boston a run. Congrats again to the Phils. It looks like it was a great night to be a wifebeater.

Not Likely

2008-10-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Infamous track and field cheat/bad check writer, Marion Jones would like everyone to know that she could have won without the steroids. So I guess she's now infamous and delusional.

"I'll ask myself, 'Well, if you hadn't been given "the clear" do you think you would've won?"' Jones said on an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" broadcast Wednesday, her first post-prison interview.
"I usually answer, 'Yes."'

Ok, usually delusional.

But Oprah wasn't done there. I didn't see the show, because I have great big testicles, but I'm pretty sure Jones didn't get the James Frey treatment.

Jones said on Winfrey's show that her sentence was fair and that losing her medals was fair, too, because of the "question mark" surrounding her performance. She said she will never run again and wants to find a way to inspire young people to make better decisions than she did.

If by "question mark" she means "proof she was cheating," then yes, I'd agree that losing the medals was not just fair but the only appropriate action. I'm pretty sure she couldn't run competitively, unless it was one of those FOX specials where she had to outrun a cheetah or compete against an elephant in an airplane pull.

It's Like Matt Millen Never Left

2008-10-30T08:00:00.001-07:00

The Detroit Lions are bringing in unretired QB and one time fantasy football darling, Daunte Culpepper to help run their team into ~~the ground~~ contention. Apparently one workout was all it took for the Lions to make up their minds, since they hadn't seen him suck the life out of Miami and Oakland. They had such great luck with the Rudi Johnson signing, that this makes perfect sense. Instead of giving up on this season to evaluating talent for next year and prepare to address needs in the draft, they're bringing in crappy veterans to do God knows what.

Somewhere Matt Millen is saying, "Hey that was my idea!"

Lebron James Has Better Things To Do

2008-10-30T04:00:00.001-07:00

Lebron no-showed his own sneaker debut in Ohio this Monday, which probably pissed off the people who stayed overnight just to get a chance to buy a pair of the limited edition shoes. Now that I read that, I'm not sure who's the bigger asshole - Lebron or the guy who gets in line a day early for the chance to spend money. What. A. Fag.

FINALLY

2008-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Now we can just end baseball season. Congrats to the Phillies and their fans but fucking Christ this baseball season lasted forever. What's worse is that pitchers and catchers will report in like 3 months. Why does baseball want me to hate it?

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 8 Recap

2008-10-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

Thankfully spon forgot to set hit lineup giving me a win. He left Reggie Bush in and still only lost by 6+ points. Thanks for the scare, asshole. When I score nearly 200 points, there should be no doubt who wins. I'm glad week 8 is over .

Brettallica gets another close win, coming from behind with a huge game from Dallas Freaking Clark to get the win over (absentee?) owner Rossi. Rossi's season is over and no one really gives a shit at this point. He should have last place locked up in no time.

Nick the Sports Guy steals another win. I have no idea how he keeps playing the lowest scoring team every week, it's better to be lucky than good. Greg can take comfort in the fact that he wouldn't have beat anyone this week, there's just not much you can do when your entire team decides to fuck you in a given week.

In a matchup that only Gregsauce and alyson cared about, Gregsauce won. I yawned 11 times while typing that.

Don takes Jacobson down a notch with a close win this week and positions himeself (Ed: haha... positions himself) to make the playoffs. Both teams look to make the playoffs, and my life miserable, by being just good enough to make me not want to play either down the road.

Standings

Almost

2008-10-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

I can only guess that this guy is attempting his first (last?) backflip. I can only hope that he continues to try, films his attempts and posts them online. Unless he makes them. No one cares about that crap.

Video Games Can Ruin Your Life(s)

2008-10-27T10:00:00.001-07:00

An online relationship took a turn for the worst, when a 43 year old Japanese woman was so shocked by the sudden nature of a "virutal divorce," that she murdered her online husband's character. The man complained to police and the woman was arrested on suspicion of hacking.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

I have a pretty good idea why there was no warning, dingbat. BECAUSE IT WASN'T REAL. A can see two "normal" reactions: 1) not care (aka my reaction) 2) curl up in the fetal position and cry in the bathtub. Neither of those involved getting arrested, and that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

Complaining to police because your game character was killed? Turn in your man card, Yoshi. Video game marriages? I thought the point was to ESCAPE reality, not re-live it. Christ. Sometimes I can't believe the US won a war against these guys but then some shit like this happens and I realize that Japan's just a really messed up version of Florida.

I bet if Japan won the war, America would have been crushed by giant robot vending machines that dispense soiled panties and cigarettes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.