Stay Classy Philly

In case you missed them, here are my two favorite World Series celebration videos. First we have a Rays fan being drilled after climbing up a traffic light.



YES!

And here we have some random car being flipped (thanks Walkoff Walk)



I've always said you can tell how great a city is by their championship riots and Philly has definitely impressed me. Not as much as Detroit which is still burning (or was always burning, either way still #1) but still able to give Boston a run. Congrats again to the Phils. It looks like it was a great night to be a wifebeater.

Not Likely

Infamous track and field cheat/bad check writer, Marion Jones would like everyone to know that she could have won without the steroids. So I guess she's now infamous and delusional.

"I'll ask myself, 'Well, if you hadn't been given "the clear" do you think you would've won?"' Jones said on an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" broadcast Wednesday, her first post-prison interview.

"I usually answer, 'Yes."'

Ok, usually delusional.

But Oprah wasn't done there. I didn't see the show, because I have great big testicles, but I'm pretty sure Jones didn't get the James Frey treatment.

Jones said on Winfrey's show that her sentence was fair and that losing her medals was fair, too, because of the "question mark" surrounding her performance. She said she will never run again and wants to find a way to inspire young people to make better decisions than she did.

If by "question mark" she means "proof she was cheating," then yes, I'd agree that losing the medals was not just fair but the only appropriate action. I'm pretty sure she couldn't run competitively, unless it was one of those FOX specials where she had to outrun a cheetah or compete against an elephant in an airplane pull.

It's Like Matt Millen Never Left

The Detroit Lions are bringing in unretired QB and one time fantasy football darling, Daunte Culpepper to help run their team into the ground contention. Apparently one workout was all it took for the Lions to make up their minds, since they hadn't seen him suck the life out of Miami and Oakland. They had such great luck with the Rudi Johnson signing, that this makes perfect sense. Instead of giving up on this season to evaluating talent for next year and prepare to address needs in the draft, they're bringing in crappy veterans to do God knows what.

Somewhere Matt Millen is saying, "Hey that was my idea!"

Lebron James Has Better Things To Do

Lebron no-showed his own sneaker debut in Ohio this Monday, which probably pissed off the people who stayed overnight just to get a chance to buy a pair of the limited edition shoes. Now that I read that, I'm not sure who's the bigger asshole - Lebron or the guy who gets in line a day early for the chance to spend money. What. A. Fag.

FINALLY

Now we can just end baseball season. Congrats to the Phillies and their fans but fucking Christ this baseball season lasted forever. What's worse is that pitchers and catchers will report in like 3 months. Why does baseball want me to hate it?

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 8 Recap

Thankfully spon forgot to set hit lineup giving me a win. He left Reggie Bush in and still only lost by 6+ points. Thanks for the scare, asshole. When I score nearly 200 points, there should be no doubt who wins. I'm glad week 8 is over .


Brettallica gets another close win, coming from behind with a huge game from Dallas Freaking Clark to get the win over (absentee?) owner Rossi. Rossi's season is over and no one really gives a shit at this point. He should have last place locked up in no time.


Nick the Sports Guy steals another win. I have no idea how he keeps playing the lowest scoring team every week, it's better to be lucky than good. Greg can take comfort in the fact that he wouldn't have beat anyone this week, there's just not much you can do when your entire team decides to fuck you in a given week.


In a matchup that only Gregsauce and alyson cared about, Gregsauce won. I yawned 11 times while typing that.


Don takes Jacobson down a notch with a close win this week and positions himeself (Ed: haha... positions himself) to make the playoffs. Both teams look to make the playoffs, and my life miserable, by being just good enough to make me not want to play either down the road.

Standings

Almost

I can only guess that this guy is attempting his first (last?) backflip. I can only hope that he continues to try, films his attempts and posts them online. Unless he makes them. No one cares about that crap.

Video Games Can Ruin Your Life(s)

An online relationship took a turn for the worst, when a 43 year old Japanese woman was so shocked by the sudden nature of a "virutal divorce," that she murdered her online husband's character. The man complained to police and the woman was arrested on suspicion of hacking.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

I have a pretty good idea why there was no warning, dingbat. BECAUSE IT WASN'T REAL. A can see two "normal" reactions: 1) not care (aka my reaction) 2) curl up in the fetal position and cry in the bathtub. Neither of those involved getting arrested, and that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

Complaining to police because your game character was killed? Turn in your man card, Yoshi. Video game marriages? I thought the point was to ESCAPE reality, not re-live it. Christ. Sometimes I can't believe the US won a war against these guys but then some shit like this happens and I realize that Japan's just a really messed up version of Florida.

I bet if Japan won the war, America would have been crushed by giant robot vending machines that dispense soiled panties and cigarettes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

This Looks Safe

This guy probably hasn't seen too many videos of people sliding off their roofs. If he had, he would probably know that they usually ended up KTFO, but not quite as dramatic as this asshole. Excellent use of slow-motion replay; it really accentuates the way his head bounces off the grass.

Someone's Lying

Authorities were at Isiah Thomas' home on Friday, supposedly treating him for a sleeping pill overdose. Then the story was changed to treatment for his daughter and the NYPD, who must be Knicks fans, called Zeke out. You can decide who to you want to believe, Isiah Thomas:

... reached on his cell phone, Thomas told The New York Post that his 17-year-old daughter Lauren had a medical issue.

It "wasn't an overdose," he told the newspaper. "My daughter is very down right now. None of us are OK

or Police Chief David Hall:

"I understand that this person claims it was his daughter; he is lying," Hall told The New York Times. "It was definitely not his daughter, it was a male. We know the difference between a 47-year-old black male and a young black female."

Now I'm not going to tell anyone what to think, but if you believe Isiah Thomas, you're a mouthbreathing assblaster. I've never understood the "accidental sleeping pill overdose." Who needs 10 pills to go to sleep or to help forget about all their public, colossal fuck-ups? I know Isiah's done a few things he'd like to forget, but he could just start drinking like the rest of us. It's not like things could get any worse.

Your Reminder That Our Economy Is Fucked

I got laid off today, after about two and half years on the job. I had absolutely no idea it was coming; I was completely blindsided. The traditional "cost cutting move." No severance package, not that I would have expected one. It was a good job, it is a good company and I wish them better times.

Now if someone could explain how me, my wife and my one-year old are supposed to pay our mortgage - and other bills - on my wife's part-time income (a victim of the mortgage banking industry cutting costs) and my pending unemployment, I'd appreciate it.

Coach Of The Year

Jamie Atkins, a football coach from Boston area Chelsea High School, was indicted on 10 counts of larceny. He should have known that you don't screw around with boosters.

A former high school football coach is accused of withdrawing money from an account intended for team uniforms to use at a strip club.

And it don't stop!

Atkins also used team funds to buy airline tickets, make cash withdrawals at bank machines as far away as Alabama, pay for purchases at a Boston sports bar and cover other personal expenses, Beagan said.

Wow. This coach really does have a taste for all things exotic. AMIRIGHTORWHAT?

Best Mascot Video Ever?

This is one of my favorite videos - two and half minutes of mascot accidents. You're welcome.

Don't be fooled by this video. It would appear that the Houston Rockets' mascot clutch is the worst one in all of pro sports, but he redeems himself around the 2:08 mark.

BO-RING

You cawl that a Wahld Series Game? Where was the DRAMA? Where was the PASSION? Where where the SAWX?! AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! Fack you Joe Buck! You smug cawkpumpa. The most exciting paht of the whole facking game was WHEN I TURNED OFF MY TV! ASSHOLE.

[image from Deadspin]

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 7 Recap

I hit the high score for the week taking alyson down yet another notch. Apparently she had dreams of winning, because she ran the emotional gambit - fear, anger, shame and acceptance. I'm guessing the acceptance part came when she realized that I would never lose to a girl. Girls don't know nuthin' bout sparts! (except horseshoes)


Depending on how you look at it, Rossi either got the narrowest win or Greg took the closest loss this week. 0.15 points would drive anyone crazy. So Gregsauce, if you're still reading this, thanks for not killing yourself. Yet.


Monster games from Stephen Jackson and Andre Johnson gave Brettallica the 2nd highest score of the week. Jacobson got a goose egg from "the other" Roy Williams in his first game with the Cowboys. Is it a coincidence that it came with Brad Johnson's start? No. No it is not.


Nick the Sports Guy gets back on the road to respectability by getting just enough for a win this week. Don was the low score of the week and can thank Cotchery and Colston - one point combined - for his loss this week. Both of these shitty teams are still, some how, in the playoff hunt.


Greg gets his third straight win, taking down spon this week. It was the perfect storm of spon's team underachieving and Greg getting big games from Wes Welker and Sammy Morris on Monday night. This proves that the Broncos defense is one of the best matchups around, for your offensive players who aren't playing the Chiefs.

Standings

That Was Fast - Pt. 3

Not long after the Kimbo Slice KO debacle, Elite XC will be closing up shop. This is one time when following the NFL model - focusing on a quality product, instead of promoting names/personalities - would have worked best, like the UFC. It would also have helped if the company wasn't hemmoraging money to the tune of $55 millon over two years. You can tell a company is in trouble when they get the scale for the weigh in at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I'm not going to miss Elite XC. They didn't have good fights or good fighters. Some of them will be scrambling for jobs (Jake Shields, Nick Diaz, Robbie Lawler) some of them will simply enjoy their 15 minutes (Kimbo, Seth Petruzelli) and others will just be in limbo (Gina Carano, Tito Ortiz - who never officially signed a deal). I honestly hope lessons were learned and that the fans get better quality entertainment in the future.

An Example Of Excellent Parenting

Despite what the novelty items might suggest, I am not the world's greatest dad or husband. In reality I'm pretty incompetent at both and it's just a matter of time before my wife and daughter catch on... so you can imagine how happy I was to find this video. I showed this to my wife and she fell in love with me all over again. You could practically see her come to the realization "Hey at least he's not as bad as this stupid motherfucker!"

If this kid was any younger, they should have stopped filming and stopped the bike. From what I can tell, this kid looks like he's old enough to learn that the world isn't all gumdrops and rainbows.

How Not To Play Volleyball

Volleyball sucks. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Brainiac on the rear left isn't the star player but he gives it everything he's got and that means he'll make sacrifices for the team. It's not what you're hoping for though, he just catches a spike with his face. Unfortunately, he can still have kids.

An Ode to Clockblocking

Mike Shanahan, when you die (and go to hell), I hope you get ass raped every day. That is, whenever you're not doing headstands in dog shit. It is your fault that we have this bullshit phenomenon of clockblocking - the practice of calling a time out immediately before a kicker attempts a field goal.

We've seen this fail many times, and I can't understand why anyone does this. You can't "ice the kicker" at the NFL level. You're giving the guy a freebie. If he makes the cancelled attempt, he's already got the confidence to make it again. If he misses the cancelled attempt, he's going to make adjustments and make the kick, fucking your team and gamblers everywhere.

The latest idiot mastermind to try this was Raiders interim head coach, The Cable Guy. He doesn't have any business calling plays, much less timeouts and it nearly cost the Raiders the game. Why give a kicker with a mediocre leg, working off a shitty surface AN EXTRA CHANCE TO TIE THE FUCKING GAME? I realize he was probably still high off the fake punt but there's no reason to give all the old, fat football fans (90% of Radiers fans), or me, heart attacks. ASSHOLE.

But hey, we won! The shit-eating Ravens are next!
WHOOOOOOOO!

OH FACK

We fackin lost... We fackin lost. I can't fackin' believe it... Awll owuh haard work... gawn. Just like that. I knew we nevah shoulda traded Manny for that fackin' canuck. I wanna talk to Commisionna Bud Selig! Theyuh needs to be a fackin' investigation as to why and how the Sawx lost to those FACKIN FLARIDA QUEEAHS!

Note to Yahoo! - You put the winning score first, regardless of how big their fan base is.

Much more Red Sox misery pictured here.

[image from Deadspin]

Another Year Older

It's my birthday today, so things will be more quiet than usual around here. Not "moment of silence" quiet but "I got other shit to do today" quiet.

There Are Zombies Among Us

"Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion." But she ended up UNDEAD.

When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson's "corpse" was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive.

The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages.

I'm not an expert in zombie litigation but I'd say she's got a pretty strong case here. There are two ways to look at this - either be upset that you're substantially worse off than when you went into the hospital or accept your new "life" as member of the undead and walk slowly toward your unsuspecting prey. Some might say, "Hey, she's still a person!" To those people I say, keep reading you cockpumper.

Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center, according to the lawsuit.

If that shit doesn't sound like a zombie, I don't know what does. All they left out was "an insatiable hunger for brains."

Whizzinator Goes Down The Toilet

See what I did there?

The makers of the Whizzinator were busted by the feds and will plead guilty to "conspiracy to defraud the government." What's the big deal about making a prosthetic penis to help in masking illegal substances so someone can beat a drug test? They should fight and take this to the Supreme Court!

Stanton D. Levenson, who represents the company, previously said that he didn't think the government could make a drug paraphernalia case against his client.

But yesterday, Mr. Levenson said he did research that showed his earlier opinion was wrong.

"We're convinced that the government's theory is correct, and the government has a case," he said. "Obviously, it's serious if somebody is faking drug tests who is then driving a tractor-trailer or a bus or flying an airplane."

That must the first time in legal history that anyone has talked themselves out of their own argument in 24 hours. These guys might should have hired Lionel Hutz, since he could have done the same thing AND offered babysitting, shoe-repair or any number of services.

Then again, when you have "testimonials" like this:

Hey, you guys messed up and sent me the big black whizzinator and got me kicked out of the KKK. But Earlene shore did scream when I did her last night! Yee Haw! Thanks whizzinator, you bunch of race mixing rubber ding dong makers! - Billy Bob Earl Elmer Jones, ARafdafdadfasdHoHOp

you know they'll be back making our roads and workplaces (and bedrooms?) more dangerous in no time. Only in America!

Oh No He Di'int

Ohio recently executed, Richard Cooley, an inmate who argued he was too fat to be executed. I'm assuming he made that same face when presenting his argument; I can't think of a more convincing facial expression than "homicidal sex offender."

Richard Cooey, 41, had argued in numerous legal challenges that his weight problem would make it difficult for prison staff to find suitable veins to deliver the deadly chemicals, a problem that delayed previous executions in the state.

Saying you're too fat to receive a lethal injection is like saying... I got nothing. I've never heard anything so fucking stupid in my life. This guy wasn't the poster boy for good health at 5' 7", 267 lbs., but a deal's a deal. No one cares if your left side tingles, or if you can't see straight, or if you're getting raped all day long when you've been convicted of double-homicide and sexual assault.

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 6 Recap

This week brought loads of drama in the way of upsets, blow outs and forgetting to set rosters. Rather than continuing with some bullshit intro paragraph, I'll just recap the scores - with 600% more pictures!


I got a bye. Rossi's team fucking sucks and he doesn't seem to care. I would say something about how his Bears also suck, but I'm a Raiders fan. To be honest, I'm just glad we haven't hung ourselves. By "ourselves" I mean "myself" because if it wasn't for this win, it would have been a pretty bad week. Losing Tony Romo for the next 3 games pretty much kills my team (replacements are Pennington and JTO) so I'm glad I was able to rack up wins early.


spon forgot to set his lineup which is the lamest shit ever. Despite having two players out on byes he kept it close and might have won if he started Drew Brees over Jay Culter. spon wins fucktard of the week honors despite a high score. alyson had a great week after a disappointing loss last week.

Brettallica also got a bye. Nick the Sports Guy's team is pretty much schitzo at this point, alternating good games and bad ones. At least he has his Niners to... uh, nevermind.


Don't call it a comeback... because One & Done has one foot out of the cellar and the other on a banana peel. Still, putting up the high score for the week is a good sign for a team that, as Greg admitted, would have trouble scoring points after Bradygate. Don's team still looks in good shape to make the playoffs but, like his Eagles, he will probably find a way to blow it.

Gregsauce's season is probably over at this point and it would take a minor miracle for him to make the playoffs with 7 games to go. Meanwhile Jacobson's team will not go away and that bothers me, since he's my dark horse pick to win the league. (that should be the kiss of death)

Week 6 Standings

The Worst Play Ever

What is this loser doing? I don't mean what is he doing playing for the Lions; I mean what the heck is he doing running out of the back of the end zone like a retard? I think my favorite part is not that he has a complete brain shutdown -- which I'd probably do if a guy who weighed 280 lbs. was chasing me -- but it's how the lineman was raising his hands as if to say "Hey referee, look at that guy. He ran out of the end zone. He's cheating!"

This beats the one where Jim Marshall ran the wrong way after a fumble recovery.

Parasailing Looks Fun

If there was a formula for good videos it would look something like this:

(fat people + vehicles) x injuries = success

Return Of The Exercise Ball

This looks like it was set up, but I'm pretty sure this moron was not ready for what happens. Thank God for the assholes who only use these giant exercise balls for hitting people; they're keeping the intarwebs alive.

Paintball Is Just Like Combat

It's Columbus Day! To celebrate, we'll just be posting videos today. I know it's hard to do without the brilliant satire that jackass list brings but I'm sure you'll survive.

Here we have some paintballer taking a headshot and going down like a rag doll. If paintball was more like this, I'd probably still ignore it. That said, I am a fan of new and creative way to knock people out.

Unicycling Is Hard

Here's a rare unicycle faceplant, not so much because falling off unicycles is uncommon but you just don't see these contraptions around too often. I think my favorite part is when he realizes a faceplant is imminent and cries out to the Good Lord Baby Jesus.

It Must Be A Sign

The Detroit Lions finally got a win - in arbitration. They won their case with colossal bust Charles Rogers, who will have to pay the Lions $8.5 million of the $14 million in bonus money he received. They used the results of a drug test to strengthen their case, which is always a good call when dealing with a professional athlete/stoner.

Most interesting of all is that they got their win on the same day as Matt Millen was fired. Looks like everything's coming up Ford! Ok, probably not, but it's a start.

Jackass List Fantasy Basketball League

Jackass List is running a Yahoo! fantasy basketball league for the 08-09 season, the Granny Shot Invitational. It will be limited to 10 teams. If you're interested in joining up, contact ognihs or post in the comments.

Elgin Baylor Got Jobbed

Elgin Baylor "resigned" from his position as Clippers GM yesterday. By "resigned," I mean "left because of a dispute."

"There is a dispute, and on the advice of my attorney they did not want me to discuss it," ... "That's all I can say"

The Clippers ownership, staying true to their model of class and dignity, issued a whopping 18 word press release regarding the move.

"We greatly appreciate Elgin's efforts during his time with the Clippers and we wish him the very best."

WACK. Unfortunately, when Baylor eats Donald Sterling's shit for 22 years, that's the best you can expect. They could at least bronze his seat in Seacaucus, NJ. I don't think any NBA executive has made as many trips to the NBA lotter as Baylor. I'd look it up but that would require work. Instead, check out Truehoop's recap of Baylor's career as GM.

Seth Petruzelli Will Not Go Away

Whether he realizes it or not, Seth Petruzelli is hell bent on destroying Elite XC. In his first interview after defeating Kimbo Slice, Petruzelli revealed that managment stepped in and offered him an incentive to play into his opponent's hands.

He said his original plan against Kimbo was to get him to the ground and exploit his weak wrestling skills and submission defense. It made more sense than trading punches with a street brawler who outweighed him by 30 pounds. Petruzelli said he changed his mind though.

“The promoters kind of hinted to me, and they gave me the money to stand and trade with him,” he told “The Monsters in Orlando” radio show. “They didn’t want me to take him down, let’s just put it that way. It was worth my while to try to stand up and punch with him.”

He might as well have just said "they tried to fix the fight." If that wasn't bad enough, please to enjoy the following attempts at damage control:

EliteXC’s Jared Shaw [ed. - the guy who rushed the cage and complained about illegal blows to the back of Kimbo's head] immediately denied the fixing charge to Yahoo! Sports and fellow executive Jeremy Lappen did the same to Sherdog.com.

Tuesday, Petruzelli said he got the story confused.

“What that meant was they offer a knockout bonus, submission bonuses, fight of the night bonuses,” Petruzelli said in a phone interview. “I think it just got misconstrued. I wanted to have an exciting fight and I wanted the knock out bonus so I wanted to keep it standing.”

So did they say anything about keeping the fight off the ground?

“They just said, ‘we want to see an exciting fight no matter what happens.’ I took it as I wanted the knockout bonus.”

So to recap the past 4 days: Elite XC went from questionable fight promotion, to crap fight promotion, to corrupt fight promotion. Thanks a lot Ken Shamrock. I'm sure which upsets me more, Elite XC trying to fix fights or Kimbo being paid $500K for showing up.

[mmajunkie.com]

Al Davis Deathbed Invitational - Week 5 Recap

plug pull party over Retard Strong - I don't really know how I won this week. My lineup had four players score less than five poitns, including a 0 from Santana Moss. Playing the lowest scoring team of the week probably had something to do with it. Tough break for Jacobsen this week as he loses 2 in a row despite a pretty strong roster and an uncontrollable passion for pudding. (I don't think that's a euphemism.)

Ate over Turner and Housh - Nick the Sports Guy gets a big win with the high score this week. Brandon Jacobs playing like a man possessed will help as will having a QB in your lineup. Just ask Gregsauce, who apparently didn't get the memo that Schaub was out this game. For the sake of pilling on, the Bills defense chipped in -4 points. Way to play the matchups.

Red China over Lateral Damage - Brettallica loses a close game thanks to Matt Hasslbeck's craptastic game. even average QB performance probably could have gotten him a win since Don had an off week. Lack of WR depth is going to kill his team.

ifsandwhathaveyous over pinche robin - spon gets a bye. Big fucking deal. My turn in week 6!

One & Done over alyson - Greg is finally on the board getting his first win. It's nice to see that he hasn't given up on his team because I'm sure someone else would have. Not to pee pee on Alyson's parade but I think she was counting on a win with Adrian Peterson going against the Saints on MNF. Many fantasy owners can relate.

Ben Gordon Makes Good Decisions

Ben Gordon passed up a 6 year, $58 mmmmillion contract, ending up with a 1 year, $6.4 million deal (no word on whether or not he gets to keep the party favors). I'm not sure I'd want to party if I gave up almost 52 million guaranteed dollars. I think Gordon's taking two very big risks - 1) that he stays healthy and 2) that teams will compete for an undersized guard. Apparently he disagrees:

"I don't regret any decisions—I always try to make the right one. I have my own set of reasons why I make decisions that may be different than anyone else's. After looking at how everything went down, I definitely made the right decision."

I have to know what the wrong decision was here. Was the only other option to have someone chop his man parts off while pushing hot coals up his ass? Even then, $58M could probably fix that or make it better than ever.

Running Backs Are Criminal Masterminds

Lawrence Phillips - What should you do after losing a pick-up football game at the park? If you're Lawrence Phillips, you get in your car and run over as many of your opponents as possible. Makes perfect sense to me, then again I hate teenagers. If any teens are reading this GET OFF MY LAWN!

Travis Henry - How does a player who's been blacklisted by NFL teams support himself and his 9 illegitimate children? By becoming a drug trafficker. You can read the full affidavit here. The thing reads like a movie script. Pretty good stuff, really.

O.J. Simpson - O.J. was convicted of a lot of counts of everything, stemming from his Vegas robbery. I saw this coming during the jury selection process. It's never good when the selection questions start with "Can you be fair in this murderer's trial?" or "How many O.J. juries have you previously served on?"

I'm hoping these three end up in the same prison so they can play football together. Maybe run the wishbone or some other crazy offense in a game against the guards or whatever prison Michael Vick is in. I've seen movies about this stuff and they always have hilarious results. Always.

Sage Rosenfels' Job Is Safe

Since this hasn't turned in to an MMA blog, here's a "recap" of one of the worst games anyone's had in recent memory. True, Larry Johnson only put up two yards on five carries and his team got shutout, but we all knew the Chiefs would lose and simultaneously fuck our fantasy teams up. Ok, just my fantasy teams.

Sage Rosenfels, after yesterday's bed-shitting wonder suck, is sure to be the backup until something better comes along. This not only keeps all 3 texans fans awake at night - it helps secure Rosenfels' place in the long line of unremarkable Jewish NFL quarterbacks. With the Texans up by 17, two fumbles helped the Colts to score 21 points in just over 2 minutes. The game - and any chance of a QB controversy - ended with a Rosenfels pick. But hey, at least he got helecoptered on that fumble that was returned for a TD! WHEEEEE!

Meet Seth Petruzelli

Deadspin has some pictures and info on Seth "The Silverback" Petruzelli, via his myspace page. (not exactly SFW)
Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ken Shamrock Is Fragile

Ken Shamrock missed his chance to get knocked out for the sixth time in six fights last night. He was not medically cleared to fight after being cut (and requiring several stitches) during warm ups. We talkin bout practice. Who the fuck gets cut in practice? It's not like Ken is known for his toughness (see here for his record) but this is a new one. It lead to Kimbo Slice being matched up with Seth Petruzelli on short notice - like hours - and we all know how that turned out.

If Ken's career wasn't over already, it is now.

That Was Fast - Pt. 2

Elite XC and Kimbo Slice saw their futures ruined last night, as Slice - Elite XC's most hyped fighter and easily their biggest draw - was KO'd by Seth Petruzelli (who?) in 14 seconds. This would be the equivalent of the Patriots being blown out by a team that might have trouble beating a college squad. Oh, right.

Maybe a better perspective is: this company, which has struggled in putting together solid cards and televised presentations, has hit a tremendous stumbling block. Elite XC has been touting Kimbo Slice as the next great fighter despite very little professional success. He nearly lost to tomato can James Thompson and was soundly whooped by a guy with pink hair who practices karate.

Both Slice and Petruzelli deserve credit for taking the fight on short notice but competing promotions are going to have fun with this. Elite XC and Slice are pretty well fucked and it will probably take a minor miracle to save them now.

That Was Fast - Pt. One

The Cubs got swept in the playoffs for the 2nd year in a row. It couldn't have happened to a nicer group of fans. I'm really looking forward to another year of bitching and moaning, since that's part of being a loveable loser. We should probably remove the "loveable" part now, since historically, these people are douchebags.

The Dodgers got their first playoff series win since 1988, when they won the world series. LA fans would be excited, but they've been real busy on casting calls and auditions, when they're not waiting tables.

Cubs Fans Can Stop Panicking

Sure, things look bad... because they are bad. Game one had too many walks from Ryan Dempster. Game two had four errors. Down 0-2, the only thing left to figure out is what Cubs fans will blame/blow up for this season's collapse. There's always next year, assholes.

The Man-crush is as Strong as Ever

Still crazy for Griffey...20 years later. I love that man with all of my body, sort of like how Robert Hamburger loves ninjas.

Quite possibly the most gorgeous swing in the history of baseball:



Go Kenny, go.

MLB Playoffs: Not just for the rich anymore

With the MLB playoffs getting underway this week, there are some interesting storylines. Of course my favorite is that no New York team will be there this year. That's the first time this has happened since 1993.

Other fun facts from the 2008 MLB playoffs:

• None of the top-three payrolls made it to the playoffs this season.
• Six of the $100 million teams didn't make it
• The worst team in all of baseball last season won the league's deepest division
• The biggest losers ever -- the Cubs, who haven't won a World Series since before TVs existed -- are favored in some circles. If that isn't a jinx, I don't know what is.

To Prepare You For Tonight's VP Debate

We're barely 1 month from the election. If you haven't registered to vote, get off your ass and do it. Unless you're going to vote for Ron Paul or Ralph Nader or some other asshole, then you can stay at home and fuck yourself.

Who?

The Cable Guy is now running the Oakland Raiders. I'm guessing Al Davis likes Tom Cable because of his stupefied team photo. He's practically a white Art Shell. I'm also guessing that Al ignored Cable's losing record as a college coach because he's already given up on this season, which I should probably do too.

If you're interested, here's the three-page letter Al wrote to ex-coach Lane Kiffin. It's painfully obvious that it wasn't written to Kiffin or even for him. It's part of Al's master plan to present his case of why he shouldn't pay Kiffin. Like anyone gives a flying fuck. All the fans care about are W's, but Davis thinks we care about his petty arguments. I think you can trace the exact moment the Raiders started to suck back to when Al Davis decided to fuck with Marcus Allen and start costing the team wins. It's been one hell of a ride ever since!