Nice Work Chicago

It's not often that Sox and Cubs fans team up, but when they do, they make it count. Security throwing out the asshole is just icing on the cake.

UPDATE (for clarification): The Sox fan on the far side near the pole was talking trash from the beginning, so in the 4th inning he gets into it with another Sox fan when he starts talking about the guy in the Thome Jersey's "family"...then an old guy steps up and off they go...

A good minute goes by with no security, the guy gets owned by a bunch of cubs and sox fans. [busted coverage]

Weekly Jackass Wrap-Up

You don't have to shoot yourself in the face to prove a gun isn't loaded. I know, I probably should have said something sooner but I was really busy not caring about this shit.

This guy knows what he wants and how to get it. Apparently he's not familiar with the term "rape dungeon."

Aaaaaaaaaaand we can always count on Canadians to make the list. This time some dumbasses in Calgary think drive-thru windows should be banned to make things more pedestrian friendly. Bonus - one of the guys pushing for the ban is named "Druh." Must be French for "cock."

Honorable mention to the Warriors for drafting Anthony Johnson. He's a fucking Brendan Wright clone, meaning he won't get to play until Nellie leaves. Something about tall thin power forwards bugs me. Probably the fact that they never reach their potential. I'd mention the Rockets too but I don't understand why they made all those moves, when they could have just drafted the guy they wanted (Donte Green) in the first place. They should have kept Darrell Arthur... fuck football season for being over 2 months away.

OMFG KANYE WEST IS LIKE SO MAD

Kanye West is pretty upset about all the comments on his Bonnaroo performance. So upset that he did what anyone in his position (or the average 14 year old girl) would do - he blogged about it. I'm not going dissect this post because it's mostly caps, exclamation points and because I already feel dumber for reading it. Just kidding, I couldn't finish this piece of shit because it made my head hurt.

This clown needs to focus on making music, because every time he does anything else, he only reinforces the idea that he's an asshole. Until then, I'll just keep daydreaming about his assassination. My current favorite: he does a show in South Africa and ends up a blowgun fatality. You know, to keep it old school.

God Has a Sense of Humor

Either that or he hates us. Why else would Verne Troyer have a sex tape? Don't bother clicking the picture to make the video play. If you're really into that shit, hit up TMZ. This tape might have been one of the worst ideas ever but I'm not willing to find out. If someone gave me the choice of watching this video or gouging my eyes out... I'd watch the tape. You thought I'd gouge out my eyes? Psssh. I'd watch midget pr0n and worse to keep them.

New Jersey Schools Are Safe

Robert L. Horbelt elementary was briefly locked down because there was a ninja sighting in the woods nearby. Yes, a ninja sighting. The first red flag that should have gone up with the administrators was the report itself. Two reasons:
1) It's summer
2) Everyone knows the first thing you do after seeing a ninja is die, so there's no way the report could have been real. (unless reported by another ninja! dun dun duuuuuuuun!)

Now that the kids know the school will be shut down for bogus calls, I expect a few more closures due to pirates, hippos, tumbleweeds, guidos and whatever the hell they have out there.

Motorcycle vs. Idiots

Thank God for Russian morons or I'd have nothing to laugh at on yet another slow day. The last 10 seconds are fucking awesome, and by awesome I mean that kid might have died.

R.I.P. George Carlin

Heart failure took one of our greatest comedic performers yesterday. George Carlin was a brilliant comedian who was never afraid to say what was on his mind. He was smart and controversial but gave his audience something to think about with every punchline. He was always one of my favorite performers and I like to think he played some part in helping form my sense of humor. I won't lie or pretend to have shed tears over his death, but the news makes the sun seem a little less bright.

Weekly Jackass Wrap-Up

aka, This Week in Canada because Canada has no shortage of stupid shit.

Court overturns grounding - Apparently kids are now taking their parents to court (and winning) instead of crying when grounded. I'm assuming that beating kids within an inch of their life isn't going to be a disciplinary option for much longer. Little bastards.

Man robs bank to pay for truck - Bonus - the salesman was still inside!

Inmate gets vegan diet - He claims it was to comply with his religious beliefs. Also compliant with his religious beliefs: beating his 5 month old son to death. Finding this guy murdered with a broomstick up his ass doesn't seem harsh enough.

Someone decided that there needed to be an official report to show that FEMA doesn't know what they're doing. Brilliant!

I Like Nasty Bitches

Just not this nasty. Seriously. What the fuck? There is no excuse for dumpster diving when you have a job. It is not cool to go through someone's trash, trying to pick out things you want. It is, believe it or not, pretty fucked up.

...Next, she hikes herself up and peers in the Dumpster itself. Out comes a bag of popcorn, a bag of granola and a package of rice. All are torn, but the contents appear clean.

“Aw darn,” she calls from within. “A box of chocolates — but they’re empty.”

Well no fucking shit, brainiac. The box was in the fucking garbage. The fact that you expressed disappointment (and by that turn, hope) means you're dumber than dog shit. Ideally there would be an ironic punishment like being smothered by garbage, but she'd probably start looking for cool shit or eat her way out. And if that wasn't bad enough:

She also passes up a bag of flavored potato chips, explaining, “I don’t like salt and vinegar.”

The sound you think you just heard, was my head exploding. There are people who are legitimately poor and starving, who would stick a hot poker up their ass for some salt & vinegar chips. But hey why should she feel guilty about that? She plays it up so she can eat for free. Genius or Bitch? I'm going with bitch, but you already knew that.

In related news, people think I'm retarded because I like to pretend I'm a bird and poop on their cars. I can't fly so it's pretty hard to explain why I'm squatting on some dude's car or wiping my ass on his door handles. I just play along with the retarded thing and poop my heart out while they call the cops.

Stay Classy, Boston

The acid test of what separates true fans from bandwagon fans - whether or not you riot after your team wins a championship.

What Is Your Major Malfunction?

Really? Cinder block barbells? What kills me is how shocked and surprised he is that this was a bad idea. Maybe if you leave the trailer park every once in a while you'd realize that just because you can curl two blocks on a stick, doesn't make it a good idea.

This Won't End Well

It starts off horrible - a 52 year old woman buys a thong from Victoria's Secret. Then gets worse - she injures herself when part of the "defective thong" shoots off and hits her in the eye. Like any red-blooded American, she's suing Victoria's Secret for damages, saying it's caused permanent damage.

I have no fucking clue what a 52 year old is doing worrying about panty lines, because it's safe to say no one is looking for them. I'm aware that there are exceptions to the rule, but the exceptions wouldn't be suing. They know how to operate underwear and look right in it too. I doubt there will be a rise in thong related injuries or lawsuits but you never know how many dumb bitches will try this stunt.

UPDATE 6/19 - She was on the Today show with her lawyer, trying to explain and defend her lawsuit. Here's the clip.

Tractor Tire vs. Kid

I'm not even sure why I thought this was funny. It would be better if there was a kid inside the tire, but whatever. Hopefully the kid still has treadmarks on his face.

Kanye West is not Humble

Everyone's favorite hip-pop artist/egomanic Kanye West is back in the spotlight, this time for pissing off hippies and indie rockers at the big Bonnaroo festival this past weekend. According to reports (which are all from the interwebs, so they must be 100% true), he was scheduled to play @ 8pm on the smaller, second stage. He quickly found out there was a bigger main stage and proceeded to flip out, refusing to play unless he got to use the main stage. After agreeing to the move, he went on late (after Pearl Jam ran late, which they tend to do) only it was over 2 hours later than advertised, and ran for less than 1 hour despite being scheduled for 90 minutes. This prompted some chants of "Kanye sucks" and "Fuck Kanye" during his set and into the next day when other acts complained of his actions.

There's nothing quite like a guy who has a rep for being a primadonna, a whiner and completely bitch made, (also seen here and here) exceeding those expectations. The only way this could be better is if he spent the entire time bitching about award shows and yelling at Entertainment Weekly reporters. If there are limits to how much shit fans will eat, Mr. West is definitely pushing them. Personally, I can't stand this cockgobbler but hey he makes some catchy songs and did a great Jay Dee impression when he produced Common's "Finding Forever" album. Fuck him anyway.

The Seattle Mariners Have Great Timing

The Mariners finally fired GM Bill Bavasi. Too bad this should have happened in 2004, which might have been when they hired him. I'd look it up, but who really gives a shit now that he's gone? He failed to draft and develop any talent, made a ton of bad free agent signings and put out a last place team every year, except last season. Now with a $117M payroll, they've got the worst record in the game with no help in sight. They weren't gong anywhere, but didn't want to keep paying him to fuck them over for the rest of the season. I can respect that.

I don't know or care how someone's employer can afford to pay them a big salary AND accept complete incompetence, but I would like to know if they're hiring. (apparently the Mariners already filled the position - I could do at least as well as Bavasi and at a fraction of the cost, but whatever. Their loss.)

Weekly Jackass Wrap-up

Bay area cop gets taken down by firefighter in a "perfect storm that involved a misunderstanding plus alcohol plus testosterone." I don't think I need to mention it happened at a country music show, but I feel like you should know.

Tila Tequila says she's responsible for the gay marriage ruling in California. Worse, she's writing a self-help book.

"I'm not saying he was smart," might be understating things when you're talking about a guy who used a stolen credit card and then filled out a job application at the same store.

An eighth grader is being charged as an adult for bringing a gun to school. Probably because he's 15. Another win for the Illinois public school system.

Congrats to Ken Griffey Jr. for becoming a steroid-free member of the 600 HR club. Now hurry the fuck up and pass Sammy Sosa.

Fuck the Lakers for shitting the bed in historic fashion. C'mon lesser evil! You're not supposed to let us down like this. Kobe goes 6-19 in the loss. Nice job, slapdick. Game set and match, Boston.

When Trying to Kick Down a Wall, The Wall Will Always Win

This fucktard sets a new record for stupidity. This might be the best thing I see all year.

NASCAR is Insensitive

Apparently some chick, her name doesn't matter, is suing NASCAR claiming they are racist and sexist. Rumor is she is also suing trees for being made of wood and ice cream for being too cold. What the fuck did this dummy expect? As an African-American woman, you'd think common sense would tell her to stay away from drunk rednecks obsessed with fast cars. Not only were there racialist actions, but there were a few guys who exposed themselves to her because they needed to prove the whole white guy/small penis thing was fact, not myth.

Hopefully NASCAR can rebuild its image, not only saving face with long time fans, but attracting new ones with graceful damage control and minority outreach. I'm just kidding. I hope NASCAR gets fucked like an inmate at Pelican Bay. Did I mention I hate NASCAR? Because I kind of do. (By "kind of do" I mean, I'd like to see it trampled by elephants then crash an airplane into it)

Dontrelle Willis Will Dominate Lakeland

The Detroit Tigers demoted the D-train to Single-A yesterday. The way he's been going, I'm not sure he could dominate pony leagues. If one of my pitchers gave up 8 runs on 3 hits, I'd probably try holding his head in the Gatorade for a while. You know, just until he stopped moving, to get my point across. I'm just waiting for him to blame his problems on second hand smoke.

Cedric Benson Loves Jackass List

That's the only way I can explain him being the only guy to make it on here twice, in two months no less. Not only did this dummy get his 2nd DUI, but now he's been cut by the Bears and is out of a job. Hopefully he didn't burn through all his money because I'd bet on Goddell Justice coming down hard and fast. While some team will be happy to give this loser a shot, it probably won't be any time soon. Nice job blowing your shot at living the dream, Mr. Benson. We salute you.

Weekly Jackass Wrap-up

Ballsy move of the week - when accused of murdering your friends, tell the judge it couldn't have been you, because you were out selling drugs.

From the WTF? department - this judge compliments a sex offenders defense, before finding him guilty.

Rest in peace, Cruzin Cooler.

Further proof that the world's best criminals, or world's dumbest security guards, work in Canada: alarms go off, someone calls telling security to ignore alarms, which they do, valuables get stolen.

Energy Drinks Can Something Something

I hate energy drinks. All they do is make me feel hot while trying to get my heart to explode. (Yeah, I'm sooooo oooold. Get the fuck off my lawn!) So you can imagine how interested I was when I heard about Drank the anti-energy drink. I'm a little disappointed that this wasn't around 12 years ago when I was still in Houston. (Yeah. Haha, I lived in Texas. Blow me.) If there was ever a drink made for guys who want to do jack shit, this is it. Granted, it's probably useless on its own and has to be mixed with any combo of alcohol or drugs to be any "good," but damnit this is a great start towards legitimizing the not-so-underground party scene - for lack of a better term. The best thing about this is that if you see someone buying it or are seen buying it everyone will know what you're up to... early bird dinner, chopping and screwing some songs, some CBS and bed by 10.

Anger Managment Might be a Good Idea

This guy loses it in classic fashion. I don't know why all those people are staying there, but I'm guessing it's because they're fucking idiots. My little brown ass would be out the door as soon I saw him freak out. I've heard things about white people freaking out at the office. They didn't exactly end well.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Not exactly sure what combo of drugs/alcohol was used here but it was a good one. The camerman's timing/placement is pretty incredible too.